Things NEVER happen by YOUR reasons...

2007-06-12T06:29:00.000-07:00

...erom on..ti tuoba gnitirw eb ot gniog neve ton m'I .eormyna nmad ginkcuf a evig yllaer t'noD .dias evah dluow ylbaborp I "!?won ti gniddehs dniM !ereht tog uoy edaçaf ecin, yeH" .sselhceeps m'I dnA. .emoc dluow ytilauqnart ebyam dna llaw a hguorht tisf ym tup dluoc I hsiw I. struhs sredluohs ym, struh daeh yM. taht tsuj gniod ma I ereh teY .sraey retfa sraey niaga revo dna revo tihs emas eht hguorht og nac eno kniht t'nod I .regna dna eugitaf htiw demlehwrevo dna detelped, derit m'I

2007-06-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

5 minutes before I started out on this blog, I was watching one of Ghost Whisperer's rerun on cable called "Mended Hearts" . Tonight's episode was about this trialthon guy, Conor Donovan who got into an accident in one of his races and died and he stayed on because he couldn't leave his fianceé, Gwen Alexander behind and Gwen had refused to move on either. Conor was an organ donor in the episode and the other thing that was holding him back from crossing over and into the light was that he wanted to make sure that whoever got his heart was worthy of it and he was taking care of it, the way he did i guess. That guy was Cliff Aimes who eventually kinda became Conor in his own way.

I became an organ donor a week ago. It was one of those things that came naturally and part of my list, so to speak before I die or after, I can't decide. Donating blood every 3 months used to be part of that list but I got sicker or something and the nice people at the blood bank wouldn't take my blood even when I pleaded on my knees. But anyway, the organ donor thing, that was mandatory. As soon as you turn 21, the ministry of health i think would send you this letter, asking if you would go with the flow and with them or if you wanna refuse the chance to save 6 strangers with whatever organs that you know you wouldn't need no more when you're gone. That was pretty much it. I was kinda excited about it cause you know, part of my list. And I did it, said yes, and got the card and name on the register a week ago. And one of the organs I would be donating would be my heart.

I often wonder what lies in front of me. Was it going to be more loneliness, more loss or would I, by God's grace, meet someone new and have my own Happily Ever After. For the longest time, I was convinced that when something good and wonderful happens, something bad follows right after. It's like someone's out there and he's jealous of you and he wouldn't let you be happy for long. So if I do get to meet someone, I might not really get that Happily Ever After ending I wanted because it's just the way it is.

When I die, I would be giving my heart away to someone too...like Conor did in the episode. And Cliff, the guy who got the transplant, he sort of inherited certain traits and memories of Conor. Like he smelt the same sweet Gardenia fragrance Gwen was wearing or he got cravings of food he never would have eaten before the surgery and he does things that were very Conor. He would make everyone's job much easier if he could, and each time he and Gwen were in a restaurant and they were eating bread, and there would be breadcrumbs on the table, Conor would sweep it up into his palm and hold them until he could throw them away. After the transplant, Cliff did the exact same things. And guys, it's very thought-provoking to me, considering I could be very well be giving my heart away to some stranger tomorrow...

It's a very intriguing thought...ok I know it's tv and some guy wrote it but still...I wonder. If the person who got my heart would somehow be sharing the same memories and traits that were distinctive and once me. If he/she cries as easily about virtually everything that's worth, if he/she loves and enjoys the same things I did...if he/she remembers certain things that I've been through and seen when I was alive. It would have been very interesting.

I'm dying. Just like everyone in the world is. Everyone starts to cherish what they have more, perhaps started a long string of letters for the people they love to tell me them exactly. Or opted out on some thrilling ride, or the next bungee jump. I'm not sure if I've told anyone I loved them nor was I certain if I spent enough time with anyone or if I've done enough for them. A friend told me a night ago what she would have done if she knew she was going to die. She would go around and tell anyone and everyone who ever knew her, especially her family that she loves them and she wants them to take care of themselves...Frankly, I don't know what I would have done, if I know I would die in say, a month.

I would probably just be spending the month alone, and doing things that I like. I remembered telling Eva to take care of herself if I were to die and I couldn't be there for her anymore. And that I only asked that she would think of me and the times we had once in a good while. She was really mad at me when I said that. She wanted me to not think about stuff like that and stay positive and all that. She wanted me alive, at least until the day we would meet in person. I'm not sure. If things are the way they are in the show, I would probably be staying around and by the side of my loved one(s) for as long as I possibly can after I die...just to make sure they're all right and only for selfish reasons...

"Sometimes I wonder who's holding back who..."

Evanescence - My Immortal
J-five - Find A Way
Jojo - Never Say Goodbye
Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home

2007-05-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's hard. It takes a good amount of time and practices and moments when you can't just take things face value. And there are times you wouldn't believe that things are the way they are. First Impressions, Perception and Judgement. How much exactly can you buy it and how much of it merely a beautifully orchestrated façade? Nobody knows and nobody cares, well not unless they have to. But at least a couple of that many million people have learnt not to take first impressions as some sort of a hellish benchmark, condemning some poor soul to purgatory with a single glance.

Some people think I speak funny, the oddball and everyone else thinks they don't have it weird. It never bothered me before but something stuck. And just so you know, people, I'm not weird. Various misconceptions yes but weird, no. It was the CCM Freshie's Orientation at Sentosa 28 April, a cherished Saturday, I must add and in a fit of insanity and probably fuelled by false enthusiasm last couple of weeks ago, I agree to wake up at 6 a.m. to volunteer my service as the new kids' leader after a week of hell in the culinary practice (Re: previous entry about the new semester). I couldn't sleep the night before for I was with Mel, yes, staying over after school even for a couple of hours and I cherished every waking moment I had with her, even if it means just looking and watching her and whether she realizes or acknowledges that at all. But anyway, this thing with Mel was but routine. Everyone's like super preoccupied with everything else but the one person/thing that's right in their face, craving for some kind of attention andacknowledge silently. Whenever she's with me, she'll spend hours talking or SMSing or rather listening to some other people talk about stuff she doesn't necessarily have to know. She would rather do that than give me a couple of minutes of geniune attention and interest. Or maybe it's just me. I'm contented just by looking at her and watches as her expression changes...never the best conversation holder in any case.

ok, this would probably be one of those rather self-centered entries where i'll look back in a couple weeks' time and think 'god, is that really how i felt then?' I have to write them though because right this moment, it is how i feel and felt. What's with not knowing and cherishing and acknowledging people and things that you have and then losing them and then the desire of having them again? This is human nature, a newborn could tell you that but that doesn't mean we can't change it.

I have friends, more than just a couple, safe to say and friends needed me as I would them. And I cherish, or at least try to cherish each and every one of them, giving them the day of time, the attention, the affection and whatever it is I could possibly offer in that moment. And while acknowledgement and motivation would have been nice, I don't usually get that and it frustrates and tires me out. And I wish I could do something about it, not to make it an issue and move on.

This is me, as honest as I try to be, as giving as I wanna be and then it came the time where I also wanted things, gratification from friends and other people. And most of the time I wouldn't get it and I'll be so disappointed and at times angry albiet a quick recovery and dismissal of whatever thought. I became all me and giving and waiting 2 hours for someone who hardly care again. And the same routine continues. I don't know what to do to minimize the pain of hitting raw concrete pavement from a few thousand feet up over and over again. Ash here's really tired of the same old tune. "Sing me another one, will ya, love," I would say if I could.

We could do a review, namely family & ex-crushes-turned-best friends and friends in general...If I ever write about it, it would be called 'the encyclopedia of self-centeredness, guilt, poor time management and abandonment' and I don't think anyone wants me to go that far..

Anyway, on a lighter note, there is this writer/mentorship scheme thing where an aspiring writer with a decent portfolio of whatever works gets to work with a published writer/mentor for 18 months via email or face to face meeting and see how far it'll take him/her in the literary world. The thing is, I ain't got no portfolio or works to show, much less impress anyone with. The computer crashed a couple of months earlier and I ran out of brain and creative juices blah blah..it's bad but I'm still giving some thought. I mean, what if cooking doesn't work out for me?

Talking about cooking (see, thats a smooth one I was doing), I slit my vein in my left index finger with a smooth slide of my chef knife while I was washin' it with a thin sponge and no brain. I was poaching salmon then and thank god, most of the work was done then. Needless to say, the red copperish liquid was a'flowing in an abundance. (the folks at the blood bank probably hates me now) The wound would probably have required stitching right there and then but like I said, I'm in the middle of my kitchen practical and no one would ever thought of bailing out in the middle of it for stitches. So I didn't.

I went through hell of course, excruciating pain with the washing and alcohol and bandaging and then working with only one hand for the rest of the poaching, the other, the hurt other, pointing up to the sky to cease excess bleeding. Everyone was laughing..including Chef Ken..which was amusing as far as my partner's concerned. The older man would go round my station with his index finger pointed upwards...and he sang. Now that's thought provoking. And anyway, I was more than worried..for the practical this afternoon. Who am I to think I could accomplish 2 main entrees and 2 soups and washing in 2 and a half hour with only one working hand? So I bailed and I went to see a doctor. I called Mel, since we are meeting for dinner after school and she wouldn't pick up and when she eventually did, with grumbles and complaints and maybe curses, she was late for an hour. I was kinda pissed and disappointed but not surprised that I had to wait and that she changed her heart and wouldn't accompany me to the hospital because of the queue and her fatigue from staying up till 6 a.m. for some phone conversation she probably can't remember the topics...and she wanted to cancel dinner and wanted me to go home immediately after. I wasn't in the best of mood as the pain becomes more prominent and irritating.

Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend
Anna Nalick - In My Head
Jojo - How to Touch A Girl
Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
Mika - Lollipop
Sarah Mclachlan - Wintersong
Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had

2007-04-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

29 April 2007

Well, it just didn't feel right. Now it does.

The first week of the new term has come and gone. And god, it was more than merely adjustments but a complete 360 degree change.

My sleeping pattern gradually changed, there was a whole lot of discipline and punctuality and precison and team spirit thrown into the mix that is me, Ashley Tara. All 3 classes were pretty much going through the same shit, a.k.a the Culinary Hell (as aptly dubbed by our wonderful Chef H. ). Everyone's waking 5 a.m. every morning and probably wouldn't get home until late evening just to suffer the onslaught of backaches and cuts and bruises and fatigue that was the after effects of spending 8 hours, racing against time and brain cells in the newly built but yet completed demo theatre and kitchens. Not to mention the numerous bags and stuff we had to carry while struggling up the bus or the train and when it does rain in the morning, it's just really really bad. But also because of that, yes the silver lining of whatever cloud, the 3 classes were more bonded together and it was, to me one of the most important and beautiful thing in trying times to have resulted. Everyone was helpful and understanding and kept that sense of light-ness and humor, knowing whatever they have to go through, that other guy from the other class at that other station they didn't realize previously of their existence is experiencing the same thing too..this is really just human nature, I would say...but beautiful.

The other beautiful thing is that, we've learnt. And we still are.

Stuff about stuff that we didn't previously figure out or knew about cooking and food and mentality towards cooking. And most of them, just kind of common sense. There were 3 chefs flying in from CIA, Culinary Institute of America that is this pretigious and star-studded institute. They were Chef Ken James W., Chef Marc Something Hayman (can't remember the middle name for there isn't much interaction with the great Pastry man/master yet) and lastly, Chef Hinnerk Winhelm Von Bargen. As most people would have already noticed by his last name, Chef H's German and he has worked in many countries, Beijing for example, and he met his wife of almost a decade there and had a beautiful 8 year old daughter. He's this 1.90cm or more guy who I kept visualizing would poke his eyes and forehead against the sharp corners of the plasma tv and the cupboard whenever he would walk too near...Anyway, I've met them, his wife and daughter twice so I know...you know, just in case you're wondering. Chef Ken and Chef Marc on the other hand, are typical native Americans with Chef K possessing more than 30 years of experience in the culinary world. It was a total blast and honor to learn from these chefs who thank God, didn't lose their quirky sense of humor and humanity to the merciless hell of toiling and cooking.

This is how a typical day would go and warning: could be rather stale.

Grooming inspection starts at around 7.50, for by then, anyone who's sane would already have been there, in full U and with whatever that was going through their minds at the time standing in a line. Sometimes, the tutor, Mr. Sarcastic-and-always-missing-the-mark J Sim would come round or Chef Ken, or Ms B Wilson, the other tutor, telling us what we've done correctly so far in the morning or in the kitchen the previous evening or if any, something we might have screwed up that morning. So far we have been great; punctual, perfectly dressed and having done a wonderful beef consomme etc...I guess everyone's pretty much adapted to the routine of waking up before dawn and going home after sunset. For the next couple of hours, there will be a demostration by Chef H, (so far it was him) demostrating what we have to do later in the kitchen. Along the way, questions were thrown between both directions and it was very interesting how inquistive some people are. To better faciliate teaching and interacting, there are 3 cameras and plasma tvs basically showing the demostration so we could really see if the color of the food changes, or if it's boiling or simmering etc...Ms Wilson, she's one messed up person when it comes to operating those cameras, zooming in and out at the exact wrong timing...we could never understand her.

The class of 59, separated into Group A and B with A going into the kitchen and cooking right after whatever they have just sat through and B out for an hour lunch. After lunch, B comes back for the lecture covering topics for the next day before going into the kitchen. Group A, of course comes back in and sit through the same lecture after cooking wraps....School mostly ends around 4 to 5pm, that is, if we didn't have classes after that, which would then be ending around 6pm... Told you it could get a little stale..but I gotten do what I had to.

We've been practising knife skills and I tell you, no one suck at it more than I do. And I'm not even going to be talking about my various deep cuts (on my fingers). You'll know how precision really comes in when it comes to cutting stuff and really, I think I didn't put in any effort to doing it, otherwise it wouldn't have turned up shit. Anyway, it's the only thing so far that has made me not enjoy this thing as much..I'm having another knife skills practice tomorrow, we'll see what happens...

You are probably expecting to see the list of songs that I've enjoyed these days...but I figure I would probably be writing my next entry right after this...if you wanna, you could check this section out the next entry.

2007-03-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

So I've not been updating the blog for too long, sue me.

I think I've lost the touch, maybe misplaced it. 've not been able to write nothing and I passed on that 16th March damn deadline for that writing competition I thought I was really psyched about, really. It was almost unbelievable that I did that, but I did. Nothing I could say except that I needed to write not within boxes and rules and regulations but within the endless confines of my brain and creativity and imagination. If I can't do what I do, then forget it. But if I had taken part in it and that I got that writer's touch back, characters and plot-wise would probably have been something like that:

Javier Mansilla, 28, straight, professional photographer on constant move (whatever catches his eyes/lens for that matter, he follows), Spanish heritage, reason for being in Buenos Aires – looking to widen his perspective in life, stumbled upon Sandra Moraiti at the airport and snapped her loads of her photos w/o her permission, convinced she would be the perfect girl in his next catalogue. Brown-eyed J’s incredibly gorgeous, needless to say, smug and a little too much arrogance but he really knows what he’s doing, when it comes to photography. A real glib-talker but essentially, honest and innocent, still trying to figure out what life really is...and Sandra, his guide.

Sandra Moraiti, 23, straight, language teacher originated from Chania, Greece, Greek-Czech heritage, reason for being in Buenos Aires – to live life to its fullest. Found a teaching job in one of B.A. junior colleges, ready to take on the world, curve balls included. Confronted J when she saw her photos in one of B.A. top magazines. Found herself falling in love with the gorgeous stranger. (J would be sweet talking, convincing her that she’s the perfect person to be in the catalogue etc, asked her out for lunch etc) Strong personality, highly independent, frank and honest etc…

Mia Arismenti, 21, lesbian, Argentinean, San Juan, reason for being in Buenos Aires – took her mother’s advice to pursue what she really wanted to be, an architect but ended up taking up random and shitty jobs in clubs as a waitress, hanging out with the wrong crowd and eventually dropping out of school. Chastised herself often for stuttering whenever she’s nervous, extremely bright kid but misplaced all that intelligence in the wrong areas… How she succumbs and answered w/o hestiation the lure of fame and wealth, the darker side of life, resorting to doing whatever to earn more money and gain popularity etc…sleeping with J for fame for example, even though she’s gay…Mia eventually loses herself…

Clearly, there are at least 4 main characters whose lives intersected and interwined in the most complicated ways. Everything grows and blooms and then writhes. The 4th character is Buenos Aires, the captial of Argentina, the magical and heavily European-infused city affectionately referred to as the 'Paris of South America' by people who can't seem to stop making comparison and getting enough of the city. Buenos Aires possessed the character and passion that I never knew about and could never understand until I lived it. It would not have been of any realism or truth if I were to just write it without ever experiencing it. That was Kink No. 1. Or actually Kink No. 2 if you consider the Writer's Block. I wanted to live it, to breathe it, before I could write anything about anything. I can't dishonor anything. In the process of working it out, I've right hand-written several pages, mostly conversations/quarrels between the characters and the gradual Buenos Aires'-my-security-blanket-place, how the characters come to rely on the city, or in Mia's case, how the beautiful but very dark and gray area city did her in. I thought of putting in like one paragraph of what I've written but I decided against it. It's really nothing worthy anyway.

Many things have had happened. One thing remains the same, I'm still not the daughter my mother had wanted. There was the false alarm that was a pregnancy (not me, of course. re: last entry), there was a 120 bucks mean allergy that nearly got me into a hospital the day of New Year, the sending off of a good friend to Tasmania, Australia, my year end papers which I'm certain I've flucked big time (and I did, I failed my Macroeconomic Paper) and a BBQ celebration thing at Jan's...and also the whole new perspective about my health. I have hormonal imbalance and the glucose level is way too low. That would explain the total blackout during my last paper and the whole not being able to sleep and eat or concentrate. And I've just finished a week stint of having to work 10 hours a day at Vivo City, HarbourFront. There were and still are, a lot of weird people, my workplace though the more significant one does not work there. Kabir Ahmed Jony, 29, single, country of origin: Blangladesh, wealth: flithly rich. He's the latest source of my troubles these days...and I'm still trying to deal with him now so we'll see what happens. Plus, I don't think I wanna talk about him much; I wouldn't wanna be giving him the attention he wanted...No way!

The crave for the pain has returned. Cart once told me that something bad will happen to me when I get the 3rd tattoo...she trusted her instincts. Whatever it was, it's certainly not the regret for not having done the 3rd tattoo..I'm thinking of doing peonies, one of Ami James' specialty (for those who watches Miami Ink, on Discovery Channel, Channel 16, you'd know he's pretty hot and talented). I found one of his completed works, the top one and Nunez', the bottom one. Anyway, since I've yet found the perfect artist and the cash, I needed to do something else to distract me so I went to get a henna tattoo...I know, I know, I could hear it, Ashley's dumb, come on, say it out loud! Don't be afraid. It's yet another day. Sucky working day...i'll deal..

Anyway, here are the songs:

James Blunt - Tears and Rain

James Morrison - One Last Chance, Pieces Don't Fit Here Anymore

Jeff Buckley - Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Joseph Arthur - Honey and the Moon

Ronan Keating feat. Kate Rusby - All Over Again

Tanya Chua - Beautiful Love

Within Temptation - Our Farewell

2007-02-15T04:51:00.000-08:00

I wanted to understand. Who I am and why I'm here. I'm still looking for those answers of course. And right now, this freaking minute, I would like to start a clean slate, stop the chalk from running and messing up the board that is me.

I believe a basic introduction is appropriate to help me understand about stuff.

I'm me and I'm gay.

Nothing in hell will change that. Coming out to myself some 3, 4 years ago has been one of those times when I believed for a true moment, it was happiness for me. I never saw the honesty and cool and collected side that was me before that. I've taken things face value, never reading too much into them until much much later, well, not until they eventually became problems I had to face anyhow. Anyway, it was a good thing, a very happy thing for a while. And then, happiness became reality and then there are things I have to deal with and live with if I wanna be happy. Brain surgeon here worked her way in, starting from her best and longest friend. I was like a little pup who needed support and approval from people she loves. And she gets it from her best friend, someone she assumed knows her.

Best friend, Nic didn't get it quite at first, it was all blurry water color paint for her, if not, new. But eventually she figured it was cool, I am still the same person she went to school and spent birthdays wearing dresses with. And she knew, I had to be gay, from those tiny and harmless obsessions I had on one of those female teachers when we're in school, how I never got a boyfriend, how I WAS never interested in getting one...A best friend does sense these things huh? Anyway, talking about Nic, there are just too many things to worry about her. Maybe it's just me but I have this feeling that I'm losing her, to something I can't see. Just last afternoon, I noticed this old photo taken at my brother's birthday and Nic and her brother were there too. As I looked at it, I wanted things to be like in those times, when we were just hanging out and there wasn't a problem we couldn't solve if only we tried...I wanted the old Nic back. I wanted her to not be obsessed with herself, her boyfriends problems and all that...and for once, be genuinely happy that she's even alive. Last night, a mutual friend of ours, Lynn called me. I've not seen her for the longest time and out of a blue, there's a phone call. If anyone knew me, they know that I do not take calls that aren't in my contact list, that including private numbers and whatnots. Anyway, hers was a private number and I was writing my notes for my coming exams and I dismissed it. So the next thing she did was to send me a message. That, on the other hand, I will reply, whether I recognizes the number or not.

She told me she might be pregnant. I knew I had to drop my work and meet her up and be there for her. (It's a good thing she lives only 2 blocks away) Silly to say, Lynn was in total frantic-mode. Apparently she decided to do it with her boyfriend of a couple months back in her own bedroom some couple of days. I couldn't even tell her that she's damn stupid, it's no longer relevant. She wanted to know if she was going to have a child, I told her she had to wait, for at least a couple of weeks before anything shows. She didn't think she could get through it without any help, anyone. Mr. Smart Ass guy's in camp and he's not going to be there for her. Well, at least he didn't shirk responsibilties and left her in lurch. Anyway, Lynn wanted I can't remember the boyfriend's name to check out abortion clinics and I went out of my way to convince her against abortion. She just wasn't getting it.

As far as I'm concerned, a child is a gift. If I were in her shoes, I would raise the kid no matter the costs. The kid's mine and the least I could do is to raise him/her good and right. Anyway, I think the kid'll be the happiest one in town, since he/she wouldn't have to worry if he/she's gay or when he/she's contemplating a tattoo or something. Mom here, been there, done that. Besides, a kid could give you joy you can't imagine and hell you didn't think you could pull through...it'd be great. But before that, a long way to go...

This is for you, my dear Eva. I don't need a reason anymore, for the things I've done and will be doing for you. I love you, you're a very important person in my life now and I believe we have made plans to take over the world. I understand that in this lifetime, you will never ever fall in love with me. I accepted that and I'll deal. No worries. I can't lie to say I wasn't jealous, I am only human but those feelings come and go in a flash. And I've learnt to live with it. I am only happy you found Javier, for he deserves you as much as you him. He's a great person, I think. And like I've told you, if I can't give you happiness, I'll make sure someone else is.

I don't know what the future holds but as long as I try my best, things can't be any worse than they are now. I'm trying to figure out the person I am, so I could be the person I wanna be in the future. I think I wanna write and perhaps cook too. I can't wait for classes to start next semester which is probably end of March or April. When I am able to cook, you shall be my first to taste it. If possible, I would cook for you, for the rest of my life and even for your kids. And also Maria, the carbonhydrates she needed and liked so much.

I often felt as if I've placed myself in an invisible prison, chained and locked away because I've discovered who I am, or parts of who I am. I wanted to get out, break free of my thoughts, thoughts that I am less than what I can be, thoughts that have made me weak. I would need some time and I will find a way. The first step is letting my family know, everything that is to be known about me. Should I tell my family about me? Should I let them in? I don't know. All I know is that I'm scared, I am a coward. I can't imagine their reactions and disappointment. I'm pretty done with the waiting and hiding. I wanted so much to be honest, to be true, the way I was to myself. I needed assurance to tell me that it isn't that bad, when I do tell them. I don't need their acceptance and understanding, but I would like them to be happy with my choices in life. Do you think they could do that?

Anyway, I'm having this little section at the end of my entry where I tell people the songs I'm currently listening to on my IPOD. Just so you know, the songs I'm listening to pretty much gives you a picture of what I was going through or feeling...you know, for that period of time.

A Whole New World - Disney Original Soundtrack (Aladdin)
Alanis Morrisette - Everything
Alejandro Sanz feat. Shakira - Te Lo Agradezco Pero No
Ashlee Simpson - Love Makes the World Go Round, Love Me for Me, Better Off
Daniel Powter - Love You Lately
Hilary Duff - Cry, Hide Away
John Mayer - St. Patrick's Day
KT Tunstall - Heal Over, Other Side of The World
Mandy Moore - It's Gonna Be Love
Mandy Moore feat. Jonathan Foreman - Someday We'll Know
Nelly Furtado - All Good Things Come To An End
Sarah Mclachlan - River, Hold On, I Love You
Switchfoot - I Dare You to Move

2007-02-06T02:06:00.001-08:00

“Till death do us part, my love, if only for a short while.”

Clutching the letter so tightly her knuckles turned pale, Tara Gellar fought off in futile the impossible raging surge of emotions that go on inside her. She could not distinguish between gratitude and anger that Alexis hid the letter. AJ spotted the letter when he was fumbling through one of those secret drawers his father had in his study room. The young boy has taken it upon himself to clearing Alexis’ stuff. Tara never cared about those drawers simply because it did not matter. “Well, I have secrets of my own too, you know.” She replied with a mischievous grin, when Alexis wondered if she were ever curious about what he had in those drawers, the secrets he kept. Now that she thought about it, if no one ever did fumbled through those drawers, she would never have had the chance to read Alexis’ letter to her. Years has since slipped away the way her beloved husband did, as silent as night, as inevitable as death usually was. But Tara could still recall vividly the ugly meltdown after Alexis’ funeral service, with her son. It was the first time she ever hit him. AJ’s grades were slipping and he decided he should skip his lectures so he could fail his year-end papers.

“I don't have anybody.” AJ yelled, at the top of his lungs. “What? Of course you do, AJ. You have me!” Tara was taken aback by his son’s sudden outburst. “No, I don't. You won't even look at me. It's so obvious you don't want me around.” “That's not true.” Tara said unconvincingly. It would have been deception to say that it has been easy and painless living with AJ, especially after Alexis died. Every time she looked at AJ, she saw his father; the messy blond hair, the same sparkle and the color of summer meadows that would reflect from his big, emerald eyes. At times, Tara found it hard to even stay in the same room. Ironically, it was the only reason why they even tried for a kid. Alexis wanted a part of him behind, to protect and love his Tara, the way he had. It sure was one hell of a risk they took.

“Yes it is. Dad ... died, and it's like you don't even care.” AJ countered harshly. Tara was shocked and tears stung her eyes. “Of course I care. How can you even think that?” “How can I not? You haven't even cried. You've just been running around like it's been some big chore or something. Cleaning up after Dad's mess.” Tara slapped AJ across the face as he yelped, putting his hand to his swollen cheek. As soon as her action sank, Tara put her hand over her mouth in horror. “AJ ... I've been ... working. I've been busy, because I have to…” “No! You've been avoiding me.” AJ confronted his mother. “I'm not! ... I have to do these things, 'cause ... 'cause when I stop, then he's really gone.” AJ frowned in confusion, trying to make sense of his mother’s words. “And I'm trying. AJ, I am, I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Your father always knew.” Truth was Alexis has always been the stronger one among them. “Nobody's asking you to be Dad.” “Well, who's gonna be if I'm not? Huh, AJ? Have you even thought about that? Who's gonna make things better?” Tara cried harder. “Who's gonna take care of us?” “Mom…” “I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me.” AJ watched in tears as his mother collapsed on the floor. “I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm scared.”

In retrospect, Tara didn’t have the slightest idea how she lasted this long, with no means to fend for her own child and no anybody to speak of. It was then she realized it was Alexis who pulled her through. Albeit Alexis was gone, he had left with Tara memories to last the rest of her life. It took everything Alexis had in him to come clean with Tara, the painful truth he was HIV positive. It was two months before their wedding, when Alexis showed up at Tara’s doorstep, his blood test result in hand. She could tell instantly that something was wrong but she couldn’t put a finger on it. Alexis convinced Tara the test was simply a routine for his medical checkup and that she shouldn’t be fretting over it. Her world shattered as Alexis broke the news.

“You slept with some whore you don’t even know?” Tara questioned harshly her voice broke and wiping away stray tears. She refused to be the weak one and let Alexis see her cry. He could not even bring himself to look at her. “I’m sorry,” He mustered barely. “Sorry, that all you can say?” Her gaze pierced through Alexis’ soul as she slapped him across his face. “How could you?” Tara demanded. Alexis tried to take Tara into his embrace. “How could you?” She said again, fighting off and pounding hard with her fists against Alexis’ chest as she broke down. “I’m sorry…” Under normal circumstances, any sound woman would have broken up the engagement and be grateful to be able go on with life but Tara could never leave Alexis. Okay, so none of that dancing around under a crescent moon and drinking infinite amount of quality champagne and exchanging vows in a church happened but it was Alexis. She could give up that much if it meant still having him around.

“And Andrea called too, she and Brad couldn’t make it either, something about being sick to the stomach. So reception is cancelled.” Tara said, shrugging her shoulders carelessly as she wrote the last few names off their guests list. “It’s better; we’ll have the cake, champagne and all that dancing space to ourselves.” Alexis looked up at his girl. “I think we should elope right now. You always wanted to travel. It’ll be great.” Tara actually managed to look excited and got back to dialing numbers. “I’m sorry but the folks aren’t flying in for the wedding either.” Tara said, putting down the receiver. “Your parents?” Alexis frowned. “Yeah,” she said, dismissively. “Well, my dad used the word ‘abasement’. Abasement, who would have thought of that,” Tara shook her head in disgust, unimpressed, and going through the guest list, just to realize that no one is actually coming. Alexis looked sadly at Tara, studying her, and with his right thumb, caressed her cheeks gently. And no sooner, the façade melted and Tara broke under his touch, started weeping uncontrollably. “He’s my dad!!” Tara yelled, her tears soaking Alexis’ shoulder. “Hush baby…” Alexis whispered in his lover’s ear. “It’s ok…” Tara’s dad, Caleb had once liked him and called him ‘the son he never had’. All he could do now is to run his fingers through Tara’s hair, taking in her every sob and calming her down.

“Honey, what are you doing?” Tara yelled when she found Alexis gone on his side of the bed. Alexis’ health had deteriorated to a point there was not going to be a whole lot of time left. And so he got a house out on the beach; the very same one Tara and he exchanged wedding vows. “Hey, get back to bed, doctor’s order, no, or rather Tara’s order.” Tara ordered when she found Alexis outside the balcony writing into a book. Ignoring her plea, Alexis continued writing. “What did we have for breakfast, do you remember? I wanted to say bagel but I think that was yesterday. You have two sunny side-ups, I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs.” Tara smiled at his choice of words. Alexis had gotten up from bed for the sunrise. “Alex, what are you writing this for?” Tara joined her husband by the wooden patio, overlooking the vast sea. “My journal.” “That’s new.” Alexis nodded, his non-writing hand tangled with his wife’s as the couple lay on their stomachs. “I figured, life goes by so fast, if you don’t write it down, things just get lost.” “And I wanna remember.” “Down every last bagel.” “Down to every last everything I do with you.” Alexis said as he looked into the eyes of the woman he loved so dear. Alexis barely finished his last word when he realized the sky was getting brighter. “It’s going to be light soon, honey” Alexis said, almost inaudible. The wasted man had his beloved wife tucked comfortably between his legs and they sat watching the sunrise. Tara fought her tears. She could feel Alexis slipping away as the sun crosses the horizon. “And you’re leaving.” She said, resigned. “Baby, you know I would stay as long as you want me.” Tara didn’t know if his words were meant to make her feel better. “How’s forever? Does forever work for you?” Alexis forced a smile across his pale face when he heard his wife. It has been too long since he heard his Tara throw a childish tantrum. “It has been forever, sweetie.”

"I, Tara Deidre Gellar take you, Alexis Jacob Gallagher, to be my lawful husband to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

Ok, so I know this is the third time I've posted this thing up but honestly, I can't write no further. What started as an assignment/adventure sort of ended with an anti-climax. Yes, the story was anti-climatic, as I may quote my tutor's exact word. And he also used 'melodrama'. I'm not perfectly sure if it was a bad word but it definitely is not a good word. Anyway, I've checked the dictionary and it says something about a play with a sensational plot & violent emotional appeal...Hmm, what do you think? And also, I prided myself for being able to reduce a originally 2500 words story to a 1585 words. That's pretty close, isn't it? The word limit was set at 1500 words. Anyway, I think I'll have it up for a while longer, people who read it, please tell me what you think about it.

2007-01-14T23:46:00.000-08:00

It's utter ironic, it's utter fucked up. And no one sees it. I was born an entity without absolute worth and I am reduced to nothingness, like my entire existence is but to fill up spaces and breath someone else's air. I no longer understand why I'm here, what I did and what I wanted. There is nowhere I could run, no one to prove my worthiness and no one to be. Every day it hurts, and each day I don't know what to do to stop the hurt. "Faith..." She once told me. But I could not believe in it. Those I called 'family' has turned their backs and abandoned me to death the first day they saw me. And as I grow older, their hatred and differences towards me grew. I don't know what I did, or did not do. So every day, my mother continued to yell, to yell for my existence to disappear, like I was never there. I wish I was never there. So everyone else could be happier. So I don't have to feel this much pain. As I learn, there are things I've noticed and embraced. There are things that I would do that defy what others believe in. I don't know why I had to hide, my true self from people who claimed their love for me. I don't know why the person I truly am is such a terrible wicked mistake and doomed for solitude. And I couldn't find a person to talk to, to speak my mind, to give what I could for she too, couldn't change herself for me. It's not her fault, no, it's never. She has been kind so far, too kind, I would say. And I love her, more than anything right now. Of course, not in the way that would made her feel uncomfortable for I know I could never have her. I've grown exhausted, trying to understand why they would 'ravish' me with verbal abuses and soon physical ones too. Now, I just wish they would do whatever they want, just so I could go away.

Meeting Eva was a life-changing experience and she has offered me many things. Some of which, I'm not sure I wanna go through again and some of which, I'll cherished till the day I die. Traveling is a brilliant idea, one Eva has suggested. But if only I had the resources and courage, if only I was as determined as I was, living my life, I'm not going anywhere. She is not going to wait for me, no she won't. She has everything she needs to keep her protected, I don't. If I do leave, people would think that I'm leaving out of selfishness, that what they believed all along was true; that I've got no qualms for my family whatsoever. And then there wouldn't be a home to return to. Eva has a life that would have been mine if I know exactly what I had to do. She has school, she has family, and she has friends who would go running to her about some jerk who broke her heart. Eva has so much to live for in her life; she loves her life. As far as I know, she didn't have secrets she must hid from her family. Or maybe she does, but I wouldn't know. I'm only 20, and here I am, grasping for what little air my family would offer me...

I would love to leave, to shed this skin I've been tripping in and never to quite return. My body would turn into ashes in some foreign soils and made fertilizer to some rose bushes I would've never known about. And so, I would be at peace. It's amazing how I didn't shed a tear, for a single goodbye would bring sting to my eye and irritation in my nose. I guess it wouldn't really help even if I cry. My tears is worth nothing in the eye of my family. They would think it was a weakness, a part of me. So I swore they would never see my tears for there is no way I'm ever letting them put me down. I am going to die, my true self, in this family. I need to take off, run, run to a place where nobody knows me, a place where I might be offered a chance to live my life.

I'm scared, frightened and simply terrified. I don't know what my family would do next, and I don't know if I could take it. Everyday has been a lie. A lie I called my life...Don't worry, I'm not contemplating suicide or anything stupid. It would have been funny if I did.

2007-01-13T02:33:00.000-08:00

It will take some time to regain some normalcy. I got what I wanted. I might have given everything to not feel this pain but it was the truth, it came from her and something I have to get into my thick skull, whether I like it or not. In the case, her decisions were my decisions.

I couldn't sleep last night after she left to do physics. Apparently there was a sharp pain where my heart was and I just sat there in silence alone for a tiny while, trying to find a way to distract the impact and also to finish up yet another school assignment. It will take me a long while; I'm still pretty much reeling from the pain. It's stupid, I am stupid, but I got what I deserved, I knew what I was putting myself in, putting all my heart in it, thinking one day she might just wanna be with me. It's a terrible joke and it's on me. I remembered she told me she didn't wanna hurt me, because she couldn't figure her feelings out and I recalled saying 'it's ok, you don't have to worry about me' and it still stands. I don't want her to worry about me and about this issue. She doesn't have to worry about me. I'm as grateful as I am now, to be part of her life, to be part of her happiness even. It's all I could ask for. i really didn't expect her to feel anything for me anyway. And if you're reading this, thank you. I'm really happy now that I know where I stand. Thank you for letting me be your friend. And I love the way she put it. "You should have known that it will never happen." Ok, so it's not her exact words but it's something like that.

She is so beautiful, in fact her entire clan is beautiful. I don't think I've seen a family made up of so many beautiful people. And they valued family and kinship which is a virtue not many people treasure now. I might have a whole load of relatives and cousins but I've never seen them. I've never learn their names and faces. I'm a bad relative, so it seems. Anyway, as I sat awake last night, I thought of doing something silly like working my ass off to earn the money to fly to Athens and I would sit outside her apartment like an idiot just to surprise her or really freaked her out. Then I checked out Bueno Aires on the internet and I realized I can't speak Spanish and I'm bad with directions. And I tuned the time in my cell phone to that of Bueno Aires and Athens...I also realized something. There might be a tiny problem with the whole wonderful travelling thing. I wouldn't graduate until 2009 and by then she would have had travel to South America or whatever she wants to. She wouldn't wait for me. I didn't think.

The marketing proposal is finally handed up, a huge sense of relief is an understatement. And of course, there is still the presentation but everyone would tell you it's the least of their problems now. It was like a marathon and everyone was almost driven crazy trying to finish up the proposal. They probably really hate Marketing now, along with the lecturer who apparently likes to talk about sex during lecture, not that it's anything bad but still...

Right now, I'm comtemplating about joining a writing competition. I'm not sure how good I am, you know. Every time when I believe that I had it in my bag, I don't and that's when the rejection and disappointment hit like a truck. Rejection? Not for me period. My parents have somehow made me believe that I'm weak. They didn't think I could get the money for an overseas trip with my classmates, they didn't think I could sit through 6 sessions of pain without crying my heart out. I don't blame them for thinking that way...I don't wanna have to worry about what they or anyone thinks. I am me, and I change as I deemed fit.

"No way November will see our goodbyes
When it comes to December it's obvious why.
No one wants to be alone at Chrismas time.
Come January, we're frozen inside.
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February won't you be my valentine?
And we'll both be safe till St. Patrick's day."

2006-12-24T10:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am going to sound like a 10 year old. It's Christmas Eve or it could really be the actual Christmas Day, yes, the big glamourous red and green and even white 25th of December! Throughout my 20 years on Earth, I've never once celebrated Christmas or festivals in general or even attempted to. You see, I'm neither Jewish nor Christian nor anything else so therefore you wouldn't see my mum cooking up a Thanksgiving or a Christmas dinner and there will not be a green pine tree with gorgeous ornaments of any sorts in my tiny living room. And do not ever expect presents under the tree in the morning cause I ain't got a chimney. Or a card.

Someone did give me an invisible card over the internet the night before. Though I can't really see it, I felt it. She is one hell of a person, never met anyone like her; that kind of rudeness and hostility. I sensed a broken heart right off the bat but she wouldn't share more and I'm cool with that. She's full of snide remarks and the bite-you-in-your-behind honesty dripping with acid that not many people can handle. She has been through a lot, I guess...and of course she called me a fucking dumbass before giving me a card. Good times, people.

I guess Eva has saw the card I've sent her and I know she'll be having a great time with her family and friends and many many presents and blessings. At least someone is having fun. But the selfish me wanted some sort of a response from her. I wanted to know what she thought of the card, did she like it, the feelings that were going through her mind when she saw my name. You know, stuffs like that. I hope she's fine and having a great time. By the way, I think I owed her an apology. It's the last conversation before she would return home for Christmas and her mum has been visiting and staying with her at her apartment since Monday and I know she had a very tight bond with her family and absolutely missed being with them, especially her little sister, an aspiring architecture, Maria. And while we were chatting, her mum kinda nagged at her about being in the front of the computer monitor for too long and we had to end our conversation short. I wasn't pleased to say the least, cause I might never have a chance to chat with her again, and so I said something an insensitive jerk would say "Now, you know why I prefer living alone? At least I've got privacy and quiet..." and I think she was mad when I said that. I didn't mean to be rude and all but I have this thing where I don't think through my words in my head enough and sometimes, it's really not the things I should say and ugliness ensues. She told she wasn't mad at all cause I really didn't want her to go away mad, especially if she's mad with me...

Guess what? My mum had a date, to do a drive-through through the beautiful streets of Orchard Road with her colleagues at work. It wasn't my mum to have a date or for her to actually go to Orchard so it was all new for me. I was thrilled she wanted to go; I think she deserved it big time! Though she promised she would take me to the new Macdonalds at Ang Mo Kio. I told her to do the drive-through instead, since Christmas decoration along Orchard Road is once a year thing and we can go to Macdonalds anytime we wanna. But her colleagues kinda wanted to head home first and God knows when they would actually be ready and my mum didn't wanna wait so tonight marked my first trip to the new Macdonalds outlet which was so spacious, with actual greenery and really cool marble sinks and McCafé was built right in it, with the regular counters and stuff. They even had a drive-through too...so cool. And I've made a promise to myself that I would try their hot chocolate.

2006-12-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

It came true and I was dead on. Eva is falling in love with someone else and it's definitely not me. At least I know his name. What was I fucking thinking that I could make someone who's been a heterosexual all her freaking life fall in love with a nobody homosexual me? I must be dreaming and fucking lying to myself. You know how I would always be waiting for her emails like some idiot who has lost her brain? Well, I finally received her email today and it's one of the not so good feelings...She was talking to me about Jorge about how they spent everyday chatting and really getting to know one another and how Jorge never forget about her etc..What I didn't like was the part where she apologized for the manner she chatted with me a.k.a flirting. I didn't like that. It's like I'm making her believe that whatever we have been sharing and felt was a mistake. And it's most definitely not. So I was pretty upset when I read the email and out of some stupid anger or jealousy, I repiled to her in the email saying that she should be Jorge, at least it's natural and normal and he's nearer to her than I am physically..and minutes after I sent the email, I regretted. Eva came online just in time to save me with honesty and rationality. She told me she didn't like the email I've sent to her and the moment I saw her, all those rage and jealously and loss of losing someone/something so dear came up to my head and overwhelmed me. I kept saying stupid stuff and I was hell demanding. I know I shouldn't be feeling the way I should but I couldn't control. Thank God, Eva was the one who's all clear and rational and talked me through. So now I'm ok, no bad feelings and no demanding-controlling asshole in my brain. Maybe that's why I like her so much. She could do things I could never.

Anyway, it's been almost 2 days since we've rudely interrupted by her mother and the conversation has to be cut short. I totally understand the deal with parents and their kids..but right now I just wish she'll be online somehow. She's returning home for Christmas and it's impossible to say if she would come online before I return to school. And she has not been sending me any emails. So I'm a little worried and unsettled...and the wait continues.

2006-12-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

I think I've had it figured out and the operative word here is Desperation. I have never felt love from anyone, only expectations and rules. It's not self-pity talk. It's just what I feel, from my family, from the society, and from some other people I don't know of yet. And every morning, my mum will yell the way she never cease to about how a selfish and useless person I am.(It was a thing with housework.) And every morning, if I actually make it up in the morning, I don't feel so good. And I think that's the reason why I've been such an unlikeable jerk with the Eva situation.

The last thing I wanted to do now is to make some stupid irreversible decisions that would hurt Eva. I could care less about myself. All I'm concerned is that she's ok, and not in any sense hurt, especially not by me. There's this guy named Jorge who lives in Peru but had plans to move to Europe and so he might visit Eva. He actually left a voice message for her and probably did all that little sweet gestures a boy does to get the attention and affection of the girl he thinks he likes. And so Jorge was that other person other than me who made Eva happy. It is a good thing cause he made her happy and I wanted her to be happy but at the same time, I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me at all. For I am no saint, but a humble and fragile human with flesh to burn and heart to break.

I must be frank that I somewhat knew what I was getting myself into when I harbored thoughts of Eva and I being more than just friends/lovers - that I would truly be in for a great disappointment. I mean, for God's sake, it was pretty clear that she's heterosexual, not that it's something etched in stone and I couldn't do anything about it but still...I've however did a great job at making her confused and she was all about questioning her own orientation and experimenting and all but I'm skeptical. I didn't want it to be a one-time thing for her. I don't wanna have to worry that one fine day, she would get over the thrill of being in a nurturing, filled with multiple orgasms homosexual relationship and head back to boys' town. Because that, would kill me in a shot. But I don't want to be the selfish person who wouldn't let go.

Eva is a good person, a wonderful girl, someone who deserves someone who loves her. Right now, we're really far apart from each other, she's in Greece and I'm here, on the wonderful little island. We couldn't even chat anymore, what with school and Christmas...Each day, I sit in front of my computer, like an idiot, hoping to receive her email, wanting some way to ease all that missing and yearning...Am I just being stupid??

2006-12-16T00:52:00.000-08:00

It's a funny thing, not knowing what's to come and what should been done. A couple of days ago, a magical thing happened, extraordinarily between 2 people who should have never meet in any circumstances. Her name is Eva and the other name's Ashley. Eva currently goes to school and lives in Athens, Greece, some 6 hours apart while the other one spent her entire existence on a little but very cool island. None could remember the exact manner and time they met but was grateful that they did. There were so many things in common, and on many occasions, on the same page. It was simply amazing and beautiful. The whole process of discovering and knowing is exciting, as far as I'm concerned. As a matter of fact, I found myself spending far too much time thinking about her. I'm not sure if it's advisable, knowing well where it'd usually lead me but that's what my heart tells me. And I'm one who never deny the heart.

Last night was our last conversation before she prepared for her mother's arrival and head home for Christmas back in a place that started with C, Crete, I think. And then school and exams will further deter us from squeezing out any extra time to sit down for a chat...it really suck!! While all I can do is to wait for her emails 2 am in the morning, I'd likely be occupied with tons of school assignments. Anyway, she has promised me photos of her smiling so we'll see...

It has been quite a while since I've been so caught up with anybody. I would like to think that I'm pretty selfish in a sense that everyone is. We yearn companionship, time, love, concern, even jealously sometimes, and the fact that we miss something/someone is because we need them, for ourselves, for all things selfish. This is pretty much what I was feeling and still feel after that last conversation. I miss her, badly, I don't know why but I so do. I think she provided me with something to do and think about. My life has been rather dull before she came into my life and now it almost felt like she's leaving...

Anyway, I had this crazy thought that maybe somehow, some way I could make her fall in love with me and she'll fly all the million miles over and be with me after her university but I TOTALLY understand her concerns regarding the touchy topic and I respect it and I don't wanna fuck it up. But I think I could really love her.

I know it's impossible, just a crazy thought some may say and the thing is, I would very much want her to find and be with a man who knows how to respect her, love, care and understand her, trust her, and have faith in her and always be there whenever she needed him around...So long she's happy, then that makes 2 of us. In the meantime, I better get comfortable with my projects and assignments and stop thinking about what might never happen. We had plans for travelling to take over the world and for identical tattoos. We were thinking our initials T.A.K.E although it should have been A.T.E.K or E.K.A.T but I figured, yes me, that a wordplay should be fun and we have T.A.K.E. Cool huh? I thought so too...If we ever do get a tattoo together, it would be another one to my collection and a first for her. It would mean so much and I promise I'll hold her hand, look at her in the eye and tell her everything is going to be okay.

2006-12-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

I am such an insecured person, I've realized, during a dinner with my secondary school friends last week. It was a Saturday night with Thai food. The day I got my 'O' levels results was the day I knew that things hadn't been going correct. I flunked all my papers except my languages and scored something like 32 aggregate score. All my other friends have done their best and done well, and they were rightly promoted to the polytechnics they yearned to be in. I was sort of, left behind. It was nobody's fault but mine. The disappointment I heard in my father's tone when he called home to ask about the results was painfully evident and the almost defeated expression on my mother's face when she knew I've screwed up etched in my mind like a bad song that stick in your head. I was lucky; having had scored such lousy grades, I was given a new lease of life, a new chance to prove myself to well, myself. I was given a choice to either retake the big O as a private candidate/ITE. I chose ITE without hesitation.

When I told people who cared enough about my choice, no one really took it in a good light. You know how everyone assumed that ITEs were schools for people who couldn't study or just didn't wanna study. I had the exact assumption too when I was very much younger. But I realized that it wasn't so much about the school or the perceptions of other people, it's what I was willing to do for myself. I sought advice from my teacher from primary school and I argued. She wanted me to retake my Os but I insisted on going to ITE and it was the first time we have had any disagreements over anything. I was deeply affected, for I didn't think I would be strong enough to take that leap of faith. At the end of the day, I really didn't know what I was going to get.

Anyway, I went through 3 years of ITE education, basically on my own and it turned out to be some of the best years in my life. I put in effort, I wanted to prove everyone wrong, and I did. I scored 3.5/4, I went to Higher NITEC which would eventually, on a struck of luck, led me on the way to polytechincs. I was one of the 3 in my class of 20 who got the rare opportunity to get into a poly and for that, I'm grateful, to God, to whoever's out there.

Coming back to my insecurities, I felt almost inferior whenever I would hang out with my secondary schoolmates, simply because I think that I might never be as good or as accomplished as they are. They have completed their time in the polytechnic and the guys are in NS and the gals working. I know it's stupid to make any comparation and it's absolutely pointless to feel all those insecurities but I sort of drowned in the petty and meaningless pool of inferiority each and every time. I hate feeling like that. It's so stupid and I've changed and I've come so damn far but why, why do I always feel like that? I am my own person in my own right after all...

2006-12-14T01:51:00.000-08:00

"Hold on...
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won't you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face...
Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell..."

This is Sarah Mclachlan's "Hold On" and I watched her sing live almost 2 hours before I wrote the blog and immediately I broke down...crying like a stupid person. Anyway, she was inspired by this Canadian film called "The Promise Kept". It's about this brave woman who found out that the man she was going to be married was HIV-positive and the movie kinda showed the lives of the couple married and living together till the man got progressivly sicker and how the woman continued to fend and stayed with him till the day God took him. If I may quote Sarah, "the movie offered a sense of clarity and honesty." People go through dark times, it's the way it always has been and I don't think it would be any difference centuries from now. I guess the key lies in how you deal with it and the kind of changes you go through and how it made you a stronger person. Anyway, I've not watched the film so I don't really got to experience but Sarah did and she wrote a beautiful song.

Anyway, yesterday was the day I'm finished with a lot of things, my term papers to name a few. I'm all the Yoo and Hoo! And yes, in a mere an hour and a half, 2 papers. And guess what? The tattoo's done too, yes, all done! Now I know never to sit through a session if you're starving or sleep-deprived cause it'll hurt like hell!! Right now, we're back to the money issue...

2006-12-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

12 December 2006
Ok, I think I fucked up again. (I am secretly happy that I could swear in my blog!) Anyway, it's the CW class. I was supposed to submit the 8 entries and do an unexpectedly stressful and if i might add, extremely unsuccessful plot sequences test. I've never screwed up a test like I did, not after my secondary school life anyway. But I did get her number and I realized she's attached to a guy no less and that she's a great Starbucks fan and she loves romance novels. I'm more of the Coffee Bean gal and less of a reader so..anyway, we talked and that, on some level, meant something to me.

The entries were a disaster. I got the marking scheme right after I handed in the entries and I realized I did it all wrong. I wasn't the least thorough with my writing, I didn't explore my thoughts etc...Damn, and I wrote about that girl from CW!! How could I ever be so darn stupid?? And besides, I wrote the damn assignments like I would in my blog and it didn't occur to me that it shouldn't be so...Shit! I hope he has a dog and the cute little puppy would eat it or something. God!! (rolling my eyes in disbelief right about now!)

Chatted up a friend from Greece, yes Greece, the faraway place filled with Gods and Goddesses in really beautiful white gown and sandals. Anyway, we've known each other for quite some time but we've never really talked. I knew next to nothing about her except her name and location. Some couple of days ago, we started talking and we re-introduced ourselves. And we traded photos and she looked pretty neat to me, if only she would smile more. Anyway, we were clear that she's super into guys & I would never ever stand a chance...I've no idea where that thought even comes from..It's certainly not like I'm attracted to her or whatever.

I believe there has been injustice done to the homosexual community. One, we aren't sex-crazed psychos who goes around making eyes with any living creature we see. I, for one, may develop slight crushes on some gal I meet (and i must stress that the interest normally goes out as soon as some sort of a friendship is established) but that doesn't mean that I'm sexually deprived or a pervert or the likes. I mean, ok I'm gay but it's like you, a heterosexual, you don't go fucking the next living guy/gal you see...Ok, I don't think I'm expressing it right but you get the picture.

2006-12-01T08:52:00.000-08:00

30 November 2006

Just right about now, I’ll be starting on the whole plot sequences. On my life. And I cannot believe how much work there is to be done. I mean, I didn’t really even get to enjoy my birthday because of the numerous projects consultations and of course school on the next day. There are CW stuff, an unhealthy number of quizzes and progress report and of course the whole darn Marketing Proposal about that golf resort built on a tiny little island. Right now I’m definitely out of brain juice so let’s talk about something a little lighter.

I suck. Period. I mean it’s just a simple cell number and I couldn’t get it. And she’s standing right there. Ok, so she’s on the phone with some guy and later, all her other friends joined her but still major awkwardness. I should just walk away next time. Something nice came out of it though. It’s this story thing that I wrote about how the sea got its waves (it’s a pretty romantic love story) and we were supposed to write what it’s called a ‘just so’ story. It’s pretty interesting and a little crazy. I mean I read the one about leopards getting their spots and how zebras got their strips and it’s all very interesting and I don’t know, kind of make everything just that little simpler.

1 December 2006

It was F’s birthday today and God, did I enjoy myself. I actually met a new friend, yes I did. She’s super awesome, I mean if I have been acquainted with someone like her earlier, I would be much happier and lighter. She’s a schoolmate of F and Sam, and for some reasons, we started talking. And I mean really talking. I don’t think I’ve been able to just talk, for a long time. It’s hard getting people to understand and then there will be you telling you that it’s ok but sometimes it’s really not… and it’s just once in a blue moon when you meet someone who’s all clear and sees things for what they are. And also, the part where I couldn’t tell F what I wanted to tell her because for some reasons, I started crying. It’s silly but it’s all real. She’s someone I felt very strongly towards, I care a lot about her and I just really wanted her happy. K could treat her a little better and I think her parents could perhaps take some time to really see and understand the daughter for who she is. Met up with old classmates and everyone was having fun and it’s just plain old fun. And then something kind of weird happened. Some singing serenade team appeared out of nowhere with an invisible charity bucket and started singing. I don’t know but it’s almost creepy.

2006-11-28T04:10:00.001-08:00

27 November 2006

I really dig the whole Singaporean nationality and born and raise but sometimes, this society really did a great job at pissing me off. I’m way past hurt and I’m definitely not looking for pity, some understanding maybe, but not pity. I’m just pissed. Everyone wants to put a label on absolutely anything and everything because that way, it would fulfill the controlling jerk inside of them. I don’t care if people call me names or screamed and yelled just to get away from me. What I care about was how seriously screwed up everyone is. You can’t label love or any kind of relationships, you can’t label feelings and emotions, you can’t label an attraction, mutual or not, that’s another story and you sure damn can’t label human beings. I mean, don’t people understand just how rapidly and how unpredictably a human being undergoes metamorphosis? Ok, sure, I get the whole I need labeling because it made me comfortable deal. I get the whole comfort zone thing. What I don’t get is how people went about labeling things & people. People they barely knew, let alone had the time and effort to establish the certain degree of understanding needed in order to pass judgments.

I’m not anti-heterosexuals. I just wanted people to see me or us in general who we really are. We’re normal people, we eat, we think, some of us snores and most of us sneeze and jump and scream and make love. We’re not that different and I would hate to believe that having faith in doing something so honest would be considered a sin. As long as we’re clean, we’re responsible and honest and not hurt anyone; we’ll be like you and me.

Ever since I was admitted to TP, I always wanted to set up a club akin to what some universities in the Western countries called the Lesbians Alliance and of course, I can’t. I mean, I don’t have resources or connections and most importantly I don’t have the green light. But I could still think about it…

2006-11-28T04:10:00.000-08:00

25 November 2006

Ok, busy head, busy schedule. Now that my life only revolves around school, I really needed to get most things done. I’ve working on the plot structure, been trying to keep true the whole wonderful perfect lesbian relationship and the evil twin sister and of course the whole how do you get back from an amnesia and live life again. This time it wasn’t Alexandria with the head trauma, it’s my favorite Tara who got it instead. I believe it would offer a new set of twists and stuffs. I would probably post it up but then again, those who knew me know I just can’t stick with one plot. Otherwise, I would have been done years ago.

Since the inevitable dawn of the new semester in October, workload has increased and there are Lots and more of responsibilities and obligations in school that I really had to fulfill. Obligations in the form of projects I can’t seem to get started on are stressing me out a little and I’m a little frazzled and the damn mid-term tests are creeping sinisterly around the corner, just waiting for the right moment to pounce on me like a tiger, and then there’s this lovely girl I met in CW class whom I kind of, sort of, really like. I’ve never had the chance to strike up any kind of a conversation with her and I don’t know a rat’s arse about her yet except for her name and she doesn’t remember me. I really don’t think I’ll be doing anything to get her attention. I can’t handle another getaway. And I’m most positively sure she’s either happily attached or she’s just seriously straight. I’m 20, I get lonely and I get really low sometimes, and all everyone ever said was to wait. You know, wait for the perfect moment, wait for the perfect girl to come along or just wait for a damn perfect timing to check yourself in some homes for the lonely hearts when you turned 50. I’ve made a promise to be patient and not think about it too much but seriously, it sucks, Big Time!! Not sure how long I could hold on.

2006-11-28T04:09:00.001-08:00

24 November 2006

Mad doesn’t even come close to what I was feeling when I called my parents about the whole clubbing deal. They will never ever understand where I was coming from. They do not give a damn why I feel what I feel. Or maybe they simply do not care. There are so many things I would love to share with them but I really can’t because I know I’m not ready to actually take in their reactions and process them. It would be downright nasty and ugly if they know the truths. Truths I must forever hide from the people I treasured the most…

Thought I was supposed to head down to IMH today, but not really. I messed up the date, it’s next January. Right now, I need to do a research on Chris Golden and his works but I’ve never really read about anything of his…except for the online animation thing he did on BBC…which is cool. So I decided the school library was the way to go. I mean, it was the place where I spent an entire week just reading when I first got here. So it’s all homely. Anyway, I was just trying my luck, browsing through the Fiction section, hoping to score. And I did! Thank God I did. I knew Chris Golden did a lot of comic-related things but I wasn’t really sure I could find them in the school library. One of the subjects he really went into was X-Men, one of my favorites, I must add and many other stuffs. I don’t really read much of comics because I couldn’t quite read, you know, with the boxes and graphics and I get dizzy and my eyes hurt. Anyway, I was so stoked I actually found a book authored by him and I immediately grab it off its shelf and went to the machine just to realize I forgot to bring my Matriculation card. Damn! Was stumped for a minute but God gave me friends who happened to be around with an available card and I got the book. Right now, it’s the reading part!!

I’ve always been a big fan of the supernatural/horror and magick-related genres. Notice the k at the end? It’s a way for practicing wiccans to distinguish their arts from that of an entertaining magician down Las Vegas or the silly little Genting Highlands. Wiccans are what most ignorant people deemed as witches. You read them in fairy tales and watched them in not quite scary horror movies and you thought these women had to be some potion brewing evil plot scheming people but not really. Wicca is a religion, just like Christianity or Islamic and whatever. The women respect Earth and nature for what it is and they are often more grateful to the Earth’s bounties than anyone around. I’m not certain if they could do real Merlin-like magicks but I know well enough they aren’t bad people. Plus, most of them are really hot! And you are probably asking about the whole cat thing now. The cat is what they’ll refer as a familiar. And sometimes the cat is just a cat. I’m not super sure what the cat is for, but they say that cats are the most mysterious strange aura exuding creatures of the night. Just look into those eyes. I’ve always wanted a cat but too bad I’m only living in a HDB flat so I can’t have a cat. (Hmm, I like how it rhymes…)

2006-11-28T04:09:00.000-08:00

23 November 2006

A day ago, 22nd of November, marked my 20th year on Earth and very unfortunately, it fell on a weekday, an extremely busy Wednesday at that and I’m buried under heaps and heaps of school assignments and projects and absolutely stuck with obligations. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't think I was gotten really be able to enjoy the day. There were several consultations and group meetings and I was a little frazzled. Thank God, everything went ok; we know we’re on the right path, blah blah blah...I was stoked when my classmates got me the High School Musical (Musicals always get to me) and this long sleeve Gray top from Giordano. You know the amazing part is, those are the 2 things I’ve been contemplating getting and they got both the gifts for me. Psychic or what? I adore them. Cute bunch of kids and clever and funny and etc… And before I forget, my Psych tutor, Reuben, he pulled a fast one on me. It was finally 11 and everyone’s all ready to leave the class and have lunch and stuff and that was exactly everyone was doing when out of nowhere, Reuben told the class that it was my birthday and I had to stand in front of the class and everyone, strangers, I might add to sing me the birthday song…He gave this little message and a NUS pin. Funny guy…and thank you.

I was pretty smug to have my girls, F and Y plotting something sinister, I assumed behind my back and I was a mix between anxiety and gratitude. And as usual, F’s boyfriend had to so conveniently come by and ruined a perfect girls day out but I really couldn’t blame her; she’s quite torn. They gave me this little brown hardcover book with glue and photos in it and left me touching messages and treated me lunch and then, surprised me with my favorite dessert, the black forest cake. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling quite well during lunch but I finished and have enjoyed the cake and lunch. I’ve not seen them for so long and Y was pretty excited about my still incomplete tattoo…haha!! Next week’s gotten be F’s 20th birthday and I can’t wait!!!

After bidding goodbyes and really making the boyfriends wait while we chatted in the toilet, I met up with Nicole, one of my longest friends and my favorite girls. (I can’t stress enough; she’s quite the troubled character) We were supposed to meet around 10pm at City Hall but turned out she was in Marina Square with another friend of hers and ok, coincidence much?? I was having lunch with the girls at Marina Square too. Nic and I and her friend, Jeff, were supposedly going clubbing at Zouk, one of local’s hippest hangouts. It was really one of the rarest blue moons for I'm never much of a clubbing person. I would like to think of myself as someone who knows how to have fun and the companionship of great buddies but definitely not much of a clubber. Call me an old London Pub-goer if you must… you know with a couple of drinks and really really nice music and chairs by the bar counter…that’s me all right. And because I wasn’t exactly in the appropriate attire for a night out in Zouk, Nic and I and Jeff went over to Bugis village to kinda get me something to wear. I only had $50 budget but I knew exactly where to go. And boy, did I get a bargain and a phone number of that sales assistant I’ve always wanted since I first stepped into the store. I wouldn’t say if she’s not a little suspicious when I asked for her number…Hmm…

2006-11-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

Well, it's another Friday and Fridays could only mean nice. You get to do a whole lot of other things. Except I can't, for my computer has crashed and I'm all screwed up with incomplete school assignments and all. Right now, I'm sitting in a community center, paying $2.50 per hour for using the darn computer...This place reminded me of my past..a pretty recent past. It was the same place I chanced upon her, the same place we have had hours of great conversations and the place where I'll sometimes leave cursing that time was simply too short...it used to be a place that held fond memories, if not costly. For a very short moment, I thought about emailing her. Past histories advised me against the idea for I wouldn't wanna actually start the damned cycle with her again. It's all ugly and berating..and I would never wanna go back to it again. But a tiny part of me just wanna know if she's ok..oh well, it'll passed.

Chatted with a new friend today, she's a native Candanian but she goes to school in The States. She shared with me about how she and her girlfriend hooked up and the problems they've dealt with and all that. I'm pretty amazed to hear it from someone else. Someone who knew what's it like. She encouraged me in my ongoing quest to look for the right Her, seeing how she just got hooked up with hers a while ago. We'll chat more and we'll see.

My mum almost found out about the whole tattoo deal. I was more than pertrified, and I sort of fought back a little. Right now, I think she's convinced that if I did have a tattoo, it's nothing but a temporary one. Safe for now.

"You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew"

2006-11-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

It has been hard to write. About anything at all. It wasn't supposed to but it is. My brain always has its little annoying way of processing my thoughts and memories in ultra-babbling mode. You know the way how you have so many things you wanna process and find answers to but you can't because it's just too much? It's like I wanted to do something about it, but I can't cause there wasn't a way I could focus or when that nasty Writer's Block thing comes up and block me out completely. I hate that feeling. I mean I've been trying to work the stupid story out for the past, I don't know, almost 3 years now? And I've got nothing, well, nothing good anyway. I kept wanting to change the plot and the names of the characters and their personalities and the kind of things they'll most likely to think and say and believe in all the freaking time. I always have something new coming up, you know in the middle of the night, and I wanted so badly to incorporate my ideas into the story but it seems impossible. I have school now and I have that part time job at the video store, time and brain cells are definitely not on my side. Plus, I'm not a trained writer in anyway and beside, I've never loved anyone or loved by anyone and god, I definitely do not have the happy family thing everyone keeps assuming I do. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing about it....

Talking about relationships, I finally watched "Imagine Me and You", a real cool hour and a half British comedy about how you could find your soulmate the moment you set eyes on her. It's bloody rated R21 in Singapore so I couldn't actually watch it, not after next November anyway and I was absolutely mad and down with the stomping of feet and pouty lips when I knew I might never be able to watch it..I cannot tell you how many times I've watched the trailer but thank god, I did! A friend of mine brought the DVD. It's beautiful, short and sweet and pretty much true, if you let yourself believe in Le Flash, the French term for falling in love with most probably a stranger within 3 seconds of your life. It's not about pressing the forward button so you could watch 2 gorgeous women making out among flowers with thorns at the back of a florist shop, it's about how 2 beautiful unrelated-at-first people coming together and eventually discovering exactly what true love is and entails and of course the places love could bring them. Admitting to love is a brave act and admitting that you as a woman are in love with another woman is even more powerful and requires even more courage, especially in a little screwed up society like Singapore. Trust me, I've learnt that the hard way.

"I'm in love with this girl but she's with someone else." "Does she loves
you?" "No...Yes. But it doesn't matter anymore. It's over." "It's all that matter."

These couple of weeks have been hectic, in the real sense of the word. For the first time in my short half a year in TP, I actually skipped the Marketing lecture. Deliberately. You see, I took Marketing when I was in ITE and I couldn't believe that I have to redo the same stuff over again. It's that bloody B I've scored because of the stupid Marketing Project I so managed to screw up at the last minute. I was so helpless...but since I can't do nothing about it, I would continue to be the good student and go for lectures...Damn!! And I'm really having problems with that Macroeconomic Lecturer. God, I've never seen anyone that complicated before!!

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little piece of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer to me
Still i can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer each day
So close that i can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And i don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

2006-10-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

The haze is clearing, what with the rain and all and now I'm all back in school which I so affectionately referred to as the Hellmouth. Come the new semester, I'm taking on uncharted territories of Psychology and Creative Writing. I love the courses already, even though it's only the first lesson and I had to spent like 20 minutes looking for the classrooms because they're in the Engineering building instead of Business. And I wasn't the only one; the Psych lecturer lost his way too. I'm never that versatile when it comes to directions but i found it so yeah to me. Met with new people and might do my social circle some good. The only glitch was that I had to stay in school till 7pm every Wednesday for the Psych lecture and it's not very nice because I live real far. Well, at least the lecturer acknowledged the whole determination we're showing for turning up. Haha! Talking about courses, I think I would really enjoy CommSkills 2; I took an instant liking to the lecturer, not in a gay way. I'm gay but not in that context.

I'm making tiny progress on my tattoo. The outline's healed good and the guy was so nice he did parts of the shading for me yesterday, 26 Oct 06 though I still owe him $550...We talked about drunk driving and how some macho-looking guys ended up screaming and crying like a baby while getting the tat done or they get too loud and irritating and obnoxious like most guys do...it's all very interesting. We talked about our favourite show on cable tv, it's called Miami Ink and the kind of rates they charged their customers...and it's really expensive. Imagine US$450 for an hour of tattoo. Well, by some of the best artists in the world no doubt but still, it's pretty steep. I needed money, I always needed money. Guess I needed to get a more stable job. Let the ritual healing begins.

27 Oct 06 5.00pm

2006-10-11T04:27:00.000-07:00

11 October 2006 7.21P.M.
Almost 2 days after the outline and still sting. It's a phoneix I'm doing, kinda resembles a new lease of life and how things would be for the better.

Sorry again for not updating this thing for many things have happened. Remember Rian, the charming chef I wrote about last update? Guess what, he got terminated last month. I've no idea the reason(s) why but someone from TP called Suntec HR and the management decided it's best they let Rian go. Rian's a Malaysian and he could not understand Mandarin and other chefs who worked with him heard about the news about letting him go started either talking bad in front of him in Mandarin or simply ignoring him. He's still on probation and all and because of something like this, whatever it is, he's got kicked out of a job he barely held for half a month. I don't know why my friends and I felt so strongly for him, I mean we barely knew him but it was super unfair that he be terminated.

Rian held the list of names and contact numbers of those who worked during IMF and somehow he started sending weird and very very lengthy messages to some of the girls, one including my classmate. He talked about stuff, i don't know what and those girls were very unimpressed with him. They actually showed the other people working in the same kitchen the messages Rian sent and they were laughing at it. It's pretty cruel, even for me. And in one of the messages he sent to my classmate, he mentioned about not understanding women at all but at the same time, he never underestimate women either. And, he also mentioned that he has been with at least 12 women, whatever it meant. I believe that was the last SMS he sent to my classmate. After that, we've heard nothing about it until a couple of us went back to Suntec as casual labor and my friend heard about Rian's termination from this other chef we hanged out with. Most of us who knew about it was fuming and couldn't really understand the situation. All we felt was injustice. And there is nothing we could do. The thing about rumors and impressions, especially if they are untrue, is that they travelled. Words go around in the industry and soon, everyone in the culinary industry might catch wind of it and no one will even try to employ Rian or hear him out or whatever. God, this is so unfair!!!

2006-09-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, a couple of days has passed since my shift ended at IMF. It's the last day they were keeping Room Service in operation cause that's when all those meetings ended and delegates heading home...all things were cool..a tiny episode with personalized knives, this really would-have-been super charming & young chef called Rian, new friends I never would have otherwise met...and yes, I've made it through 9 days of work, 8 hours work for 5 days and 12 hours for 4 days..hmm, I wonder how the pay would be like...

The IMF has been the 2nd biggest event I've been involved in, the first being NDP 2005. I never thought I'll be involved in anything huge, you know, I never see myself being able to contribute enough to make a difference..ok, so I don't really see/feel the impact of those differences but I knew I was important, sort of. It felt like a honor (I'm still pissed at not having the special authorization for that bloody bridge anymore)..I'm definitely looking forward to the next big thing, whatever it is :) Do you know that PASTA MANIA offers IMF pass holders 15%?

Seeing how Wednesday was my last day, I sent a message to one of my pals back in ITE, I called her Sam or sometimes Ian. Her real name is Masyita (I'd never get that damn spelling right) When you spelled Mas the mirror way, it says Sam and she's like the biggest fan of Ian Somerhalder, the guy in LOST, he played Boone who later died..anyway, I've not seen her for the longest time and I've missed her..so..we met up on Thursday afternoon at Bugis. AND for the first time, I shopped for clothes and I've spent like close to $100 which made me real guilty now...I brought 3 tees, a denim skirt and a bag..

Tomorrow I'll be starting my first day at the Video store my old neighbor has been working for a long long while...we'll see what happens..

2006-09-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, I finally had someone who complained that I write too little, about my life, that is. My shifts at IMF Suntec have since commenced on 12th Sept 2006 at noon. The first day was hectic because the entrance was either closed or blocked and most routes had to be re-routed and I was running late and all. When I finally made it to the Pass Office where the staff entrance was, I realized I couldn't get in. I was missing authorization and so I was held up for another 20 minutes. Once I got in, I headed for the Executive Chief Office which was where I was told to be when I arrived. And because I was late and all, I apologised the moment I stepped in and there sat the Executive Chief and this lady from the managment and they wanted me to shut up cause apparently, I was barging into an interview this other chef was doing. It was embarrassing, to say the least. And then I headed upstairs to level 6 where my kitchen should be.

When I knew I was assigned to help out in the kitchen for IMF, I had assumed that it would probably be hell, new and retarded in a fast-paced environment and all but well, things turned out quite differently. Not only am I not working, I get paid for eating pastries and taking breaks from 12 to 8 and it has been going on for the past 3 days. Everyone was so bored to tears people were playing BINGO and I even suggested we played UNO...the funny thing is, other kitchens were hectic, people were actually doing something constructive...But we'll see...if I even get to work next week..

On my way to work today, I saw my primary school friend, or rather she saw me. And we started chatting and all. She was sent on an attachment by Shatec to Pan Pacific Hotel and so we were going on the same route. We have not seen each other for ages and we started talking like nobody's business. Before we parted ways, we agreed to meet up after work..so we could go home together and not be alone and you know, talk more. It was fun..and after work, I went up to her house, and we continued chatting about old times..like what silly things we did while we're in primary school and she told me about her grandmother's funeral and all that..It was fun and nice...

2006-09-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, a day after my last paper, the class needed to get down to Suntec Singapore for this meeting and the CEO, Warren Buckley, got to introduce his staff, all the heads of departments and all and he's a funny man and all..seemed nice. Everyone is so intent about making this IMF thing a success you know they would kill. Anyway, everyone was given an artificial sunflower to symbolize the theme in coordination with the Smiles Campaign to welcome the delegates and guests. Then there was the buffet and shoe fitting. I have to collect my shoes on Thursday for $30 and I wondered where I should get that money from.

Had a tiff with my mother this morning, about me being the laziest, ungrateful and selfish bitch in the whole universe and also about the part time job as a cashier. I could not count how many I told them I couldn't work, not now, not when I had to be ready for my training at Suntec. I wouldn't wanna put myself in a stupid position taking 2 jobs at a time. I hated her, hated the kind things she said, the kind of shit she believed and I hated how she never acknowledge me as the person I'm trying so hard to become. I wanted her to love me, to talk to me like she respected and cared for me...I wanted us to not fight anymore. I'm trying so fucking hard to love her and my father but I can't. In fact, my parents brought this teacher from Taiwan to look at the family house and fortunes. He told them I'm gotten be dumping them and be living in a very faraway place away from them. I'm thinking I should believe that...

My computer was infected by a software virus on Saturday which I think it's from the MSN Messenger I downloaded on Friday. And it's total wipeout. I lost every single file and data I ever had which included all my BtVS related videos, my recorded videos of Smallville, Charmed and Ghost Whisperer and my story and all my pictures. I was devastated and I nearly cried when the guy at Courts said I couldn't get my stuff back unless I pay, which I can't do. Anyway, it's all starting from scratch now...and I guess I'll just have to start saving for the DVDs...

2006-08-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

26th of April 2006 and 30th of August 2006 marked the start and the end of my 6 months at TP. Technically, my last paper was 2 days ago and it was Microeconomic, something I must admit I'm not good at cause it's all numbers and graphs which were never friends of mine. I studied though, real hard, unlike any revision I have ever done. I wrote my notes in the morning in school every day of the examination period and I'm safe to say I've probably done my best. Results would be out on 14th of September, til then, I chill.

Met with a couple of good people these past weeks. Feeling satisfied and calm, knowing people whom I cared about are safe. My ITE mates and ex-lectures who finally remembered my name, Adeline, the angelic pal from the attachment from hell (she too, got her driving license since March and has been driving to her $1.5K per month work ever since), secondary schoolmates because it's someone's birthday's again, went back to my seconday school on 31 of August which was a day before the actual Teachers' Day... It was this ITE High Tea session at one of the hotels at Chinatown and almost everyone met up which was awesome. I wore the dress I wore at the wedding and wore heels and it was the same case of mismatched accessory a.k.a my Adidas Lime Green bag but I still love you, a lot. It would have been perfect if it didn't happen to be the first day of my Menses period and that I'm wearing a beige dress and sitting on a chair with white cloth decorated or something. The high tea went on pretty smoothly and there's the yam thing that everyone mistook for spring rolls which happened to be the food everyone grabs whenever there is a buffet or whatever. Photos were taken, there were hugs, laughter, catching on life thing..it was fun.

I didn't quite enjoy the whole seconday schoolmates thing cause as per normal, I'm broke and that meeting costed me close to 20 bucks and stuff...I just didn't like it period

I've enjoyed going back to my old school though. I met up with teachers who taught me everything, Science, Home Econs, Mandarin, English, Humanitites and my Form Teacher...it was brilliant. OK, so no one quite remembers my name..

And then there's the IMF thing. Had to go down for shoes fitting and schedule thing. Turned out I wouldn't have to start my training next week which really kinda suck cause it meant I wouldn't have more money...and I needed the damn money. We'll see how it turns out.

Ok, let's talk about this particular couple who just got couple-y very recently, almost 4 days, i think. They are classmates, cool, comfortable, smart, diligent, possessed a sense of humor which is like the most important trait ever, caring etc..the list goes on..anyway, the guy, JL a.k.a Wayne needed a makeover and I helped him and fortunately, he let me. So he went to cut his hair of curls today, which turned out to be pretty good, as far as he and his girlfriend, Dawn are concerned. He has a better profile now and I got him to buy 4 new shirts which I kinda liked...and it's so cool. He's a good guy and I pray to God they'll last because they are good people. I dig graphics on the tee shirts especially one with a theme and stuff..pretty cool!

Bascially it's the start of my almost 2 months holiday and the new term commenced on 23th of October...it is going to be hectic and very frustrating soon...And I hope I can survive another round of hell.

I just finished this book, it's called 'PS: I Love You' written by an Irish author named C. Ahern ( I couldn't remember the first name). Anyway, it's one of those books that I knew I had to read...and I finally got that chance when I chanced upon it at the National Library, S'pore newest public library and it's huge with theatres and nice toilets and all. It's my first time there, with The Couple and it's cool.

I was barely reading a couple of paragraphs when I started crying and everything. I just couldn't help myself. It's about this woman who had to start leading a new life without her husband who was diagnosed with a brain tumor and passed away. Before the husband got too weak to even get off the bed, he remembered this little promise he made to his wife one night when she bumped into the bed light for the millionth times. It was nothing really but the husband made it his last objective. He made a list of things he wanted his wife to do and follow and hopefully by the end of the message, his wife could move on with a job she loves and did things she never thought she would do and open her heart to someone new...It's really touching...It's almost like I went through the same couple months with the lady whose name is Holly Kennedy as she tried to walk away from the grief and loss of Gerry, her husband and soulmate and to live again. It's really all tears until I heard something rumbling. You know the kind of noise your stomach makes when it's telling you it needs food? It's coming from Dawn, one half of the couple who sat beside me. Her boyfriend and I were like laughing out loud in the silence of a public library. And because I was already crying and all, it's just a mixture of emotions...but I'm glad I read the book.

Check out these 2 songs, I really dig the lyrics and the melodies and tunes and whatever..really cool. Been checking out bands like 311 and The Veronicas etc..they're good...Enjoy.

Speechless
Feels like I have always known you
And I swear I dreamt about you
All those endless nights I was alone
It's like I've spent forever searching
Now I know that it was worth it
With you it feels like I am finally home
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
Cause you leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You managed to disarm me
My soul is shining through
Can't help but surrender
My everything to you
I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
You leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You managed to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
Oh no
My everything to you
You leave me speechless (the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
You leave me breathless
(it's something that you do I can't explain)
I run a million miles just to hear you say my name
Baby
You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
My everything to you

Wherever You Will Go
So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own
If I could, then I would,
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love
I know now, just quite how,
My life and love may still go on
In your heart, in your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time
If I could, then I would,
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

2006-07-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, people now I know why 'F' stands for Father. Well, because the letter 'F' also stands for 'Fucked'. Sorry all but I'm on the mad here.

Anyway, I know how long I've been gone and for those who are actually interested in my life, I'm sorry. Today's the 1st of August which marks my roughly 3.5 months in Temasek Poly. A lot has went down. Let's start, shall we?

Wisdom tooth extraction was done 2 Tuesdays back, got my stitches removed this afternoon. Everyone who knows me knows I have a dentist phobia and I really mean phobia. But the pain got worse and it had to come out. And my heart was beating so fast and I was being a chicken and the most amazing thing happened. I felt no pain. Nothing at all. Was all that heart beating all for nothing? I wonder...Now that I have the stitches out, maybe I can start eating and brushing again..not that I've not been brushing cause I do.

My personal life has been a total wreck. I couldn't stay in the same space with my parents and my brother more than 1 microsecond. I can't understand why I couldn't see the light. It's a long and boring story and I couldn't deal with judgements now. I just wanna feel appreciated, you know, that I actually meant something.

My mum had this allergy thing going on with her hands and feets and I think it's contagious because I'm having it too. It sucks; just when you think I could finally had a breather after the whole tooth thing and the fever and flu before, now I had to endure peeling and hurt cause the new skin's exposed. I couldn't sleep at night, not that I'm doing a great job before and I think it's taking a toil on me. And of course, my mum denied everything and took every single opportunity she could to lecture me about hygiene and wearing the same pair of socks and shoes 24/7 which I so fucking do not. Because if it's really about my shoes, how come my left foot is ok? And I know I do not wear shoes on my hands...

Met with Fizah on Monday, 7th August and stayed over at her place. I really needed that, the whole familiarity and getting away from people. I was really happy to see her and I finally knew where her workplace was which took a while. And she finally obtained her driving license!! YEAH!

12th & 13th August 2006
Had to attend the GEMS training at Suntec in preparation for Singapore 2006 aka IMF and World Bank. I've never been more bored to tears for any other presentations. The presenter had a lot to share, which is nice but who ever has to sit through a 120 powerpoint slideshow or go through ridiculous roleplays? And not mentioning the coldness of cold in the room...God, waking up at 7 and getting off at around 4,5 for 2 freaking days that should have been enjoyed more appropriately..like staying at home and doing something sucked! I'm assigned to Room Services, probably starting the shift from 6.30 am to 7pm. Suntec Singapore is building 1000 offices for the delegates and I'm attending to their needs..I like "Room Service" a lot...so very cool...:P(all but innocent thoughts...)

This week in school is filled with tests and revision lectures...which could only mean a very dreadful thing - Exams! I'm not so sure about anything anymore. I hope I could pull through...30th will be the last paper and I had to start my IMF training on the 1st.

Nothing ever works for me. I'm a pathetic bastard who walks the Earth aimlessly and unhappily and not knowing how to get to where I wanna to be. I hold secrets all the time, from people I thought I loved and trust. I couldn't tell anyone anything and I could do nothing but maybe wait. I couldn't even meet new people. There's this girl, her name was Nicole, she's HT course and I see her in school, sitting outside the lecture halls, sometimes alone, sometimes with her classmates. I wanted to know her name and it was stupid. Stupid & awkward.

I'm so exhausted, felt so lost...I'm desperate for comfort, understanding, unconditioned love, time, sleep, inspiration, maybe money...I couldn't even cry anymore..I miss having my heart filled and I miss looking forward to good things...I miss not having to be super alone, you know? I wish people could see me, people like family.

2006-06-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry for being tardy. Life has been offset a little. I have to look for the delicate balance again.

SO, I've been accepted into Poly, the place I worked hard for for the last 3 and half years in ITE. The first month was not very pleasant. I was lost in that big school, without friends, long travelling hours and the most important part was I didn't like the course they offered. I took it anyway. It was all that I had. Maybe I would like it someday. Cooking is supposed to be quite rewarding.

Finished my mid-semester papers at the beginning of June, which is a fun thing unless I failed them all. I'm having the last few days of my 2 weeks holidays now and pretty much in bed.

I felt something painful in my right gum a few months ago and I couldn't really eat but I didn't do much about it simply because I am 'phobatic' of dentists and on Friday, which was last week, the pain persisted and I couldn't sleep. I went to the dentist the following morning and waited for 3 hours and sat barely 5 minutes with the dentist and I was out, with antibotics and painkillers. "It's the Wisdom Tooth," She said and I might require a surgery if it doesn't stop hurting. OK, and so the 8 hour interval medication started.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I realized I had flu. Again. After barely 2 months, the flu bug hits again. And then cough, and then I felt myself burning from inside out. Fever 39.8 degree and I got a scolding from my dad for not calling him or my mother about it. Mainly because it's really expensive if you consult the doctor after 7. It really was expensive, $41.

And now I'm bedridden, prescribed with at least 7 different medicine and a very digusting cough syrup to be taken at different intervals. I'm all headache and drowsy and weak and God knows how I even managed to type so many words. I still have tons of projects left undone and most of them due when school reopens. My project mates might have to kill me.

2006-05-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a public holiday and I attended my cousin's wedding in JB. She went to Japan since she was 18 and she met a guy and they got married. It's kinda cool cause I've never been to a wedding where the bride and groom were of different races and cultures. The groom's brother-in-law's this guy from Holland and my god, you should have seen how their kids looked like! They are SO handsome and beautiful, I mean, for real! I think they have migrated to Australia. Anyway, I had fun and I definitely wanted them to be happy. They are going backpacking in India for their honeymoon.

My doubts were confirmed; my dad IS having some kind of an affair with his colleague, a married woman.

I can't say if I'm super surprised cause I knew something was up for the longest time and I couldn't do anything. I've met that woman many times and it was always when my dad was picking me up from school or most recently, from my medical checkup. Somehow he knew I'd keep this little secret from my mum/anyone else. I knew in my core their relationship was not at all platonic, they called each other and chatted on the phone whenever they could, even in front of the children and they worked together 24/7. My mum has been working for as long as I could remember and I know how lonely dad could be but that certainly didn't warrant infidelity. Besides, my mum's working her ass off for this bloody family, this bloody man who could care about nothing but his own.

I can't lie that the family is going well, with debts and hostile feelings that rose once in a while, causing some very great damage and with people who didn't care a shit for anyone, it's not nice at all. It hasn't been nice for a while. And now, that fucking man has to be fucking someone else's wife, not that I really know of. I don't know if they had sex or anything and it's just disgusting.

I checked his outbox cause he was constantly sending her SMSes and just when he thought he was smart to clear his inbox, he forgot his outbox. He called her 'Dear', something he also called my mum. One of the message went like this: "Dear, I miss you so much...I'm in JB now."

God, what am I to think? I can't confront him nor can I keep quiet. I hated him, long before I knew about this torrid affair. I hated how he always put himself first, with the house and then the new car and now this woman.

This is so FUCKING WRONG and SO DAMN FUCKING DISGUSTING..I had to pretend I know nothing of this affair and my dad has been doing such a brilliant job at hiding and pretending I could no longer stand him. I could no longer treat him the way I do.

I have lost yet another part of the family.

2006-05-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

Dear faithfuls...
2nd week of school filled with hellish lectures and tutorials have ended. And sometimes, I walked away from these lectures feeling dumber than when I went in. Take last Friday's Mircoeconmic lecture for instance. The lesson just dragged on and on and everyone was very nearly dying. What's more it was the last lecture of the day, everyone just wanna get out and get home and get into bed!! Anyway, since I had to go through all my notes anyway, I seemed to might have figure the whole Demand & Supply thing. Well, moving on...

Freudian Slip...on Sunday
Apparently, my mum lost her job when one of her customer returned with a complaint letter and court threat. He/she was diagnosed with food poisioning after eating at my mum's stall...so her boss showed my mum the complaint letter and asked about her plans. As usual, thanks to my mum's temper, she decided to quit her job on the spot and now, she's stay-home mum.

Anyway, I accidentately told her about how this course at TP isn't quite what I wanted to do cause for starters, my passion was never about food nor hosptiality. It was writing. It was always writing. But of course, she didn't understand and got it the wrong way. I told her if I had to choose between working and studying, i would ultimately choose the latter, which spurred to make her think that I'm not committed to poly life. I told her I didn't have much of a choice to begin with. And she questioned my motives which got me a little on edge and pissed.

4 years ago, I would have cried tears of joy if I were to get into TP. 4 years now, I'm having difficulties adapting. Now I know it's really hard to be doing something that you're not passionate about...but nevertheless, I'm gotten do my best and whatever I humanly can here in TP, and hopefully graduate.

Friends in my class are real cool, generous and pretty helpful. I couldn't get into the portal so I couldn't print my lecture notes and I was really glad that there are people out there who are willing to help. Thanks Guys! As far as I can tell, they are highly motivated and cooperative when it comes to projects/group work which is good...cause I kinda had enough of having to do everything on my own.

2006-04-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

I chatted with someone who believes in praises, faith, honesty and all that stuff a couple of days ago. I met her through NDP 05 Motivators..she's one of the dancers who went on TV. I told her I was in the midst of looking for a job and waiting for poly reply. She taught me how to come up with a good cover letter and resumé letter. It's really nice to meet someone like her. She doesn't discriminate nor judge without proof and I really wish she can continue dancing, doing things that she loves...

At last, after 3 years, I finally got into Temasek Polytechnic, diploma of Culinary & Catering Management, basically there's Mirco Economics, Communication Skills, Food Science & Product Knowledge, Organisation Behavior etc in the first 6 months. Well, i found out that it's ok not to go for every single lecture cause they don't mark attendance, so...I mean, I'm still gotten be attending these lectures as much as I can..And on most days, my classes ended at 6pm..God, save me!

And then, there's the whole textbooks thing..textbooks that are obviously of brilliant help costing from $50 onwards..and the whole part of having to print our own lectures notes before every lectures..God, where on earth do I get the $$ and Printer? I could always rob..And the documents I had to submit days ago I couldn't figure out..Med Examination, Tuition Grant..ID card..

Due to the fact I didn't start school till Wednesday, I missed the Orientation and the part where there isn't any tutorials in the first week and of course, no one told me. So I sat outside the dame classrooms every single tutorials on my own, like an idiot for at least 2 hours for every class. But it's also why I eventually checked out the library and simply loved it there! IMAGINE, lots of books free and there're videos, tv, internet and stuff. God, that's like my favorite place now!

All tutorials are cancelled except 1 - Communication Skills. Teaches Critical Thinking and Writing, something I really need to learn in order to write well. And I've learnt. Like how there should be contrasts, connecting dots to create a clearer picture and taking the readers out on a ride with the author by bringing them to new and bigger places...exploring and all. On my second tutorial, there's this passage written about holidays and how this other guy believed that the title isn't apt for the passage and we sort of had this tiny debate..it's really cool!!
He seemed cool too, a Malay guy called Faris..

Little did I realized, there's another Orientation for the Freshies as we are commonly referred as yesterday. It was fun, there were cheers, and this pretty girl whom I got, number and on my Friendster. She's one of the leaders..We, made up of 3 different classes were pretty cooperative, was sure we had fun, even when we had to swallow water from a pail. I realizes how it's kinda easier to make friends in poly, you know, like a simple 'hello, my name is...and what's yours?' and the ice broken. Of couse, it depends. The whole Orientation lasted from 5.30 till almost 11pm..I had to rush home cause I wanna watched Survivor, missed it anyway but my brother recorded it for me so it's ok.

My parents went to this place where this person/deity told her that both my parents and my brother had to change their names to alter their destinies for the better. I didn't mean to be offensive but it's really weird for me to suddenly have to stop calling them by their names. For God's sake, it's almost 20 years! Anyway, my mum went crazy on me and I was fucking tired from the whole orientation and having to wake on Saturday for makeup lecture 9 in the morning just made me wanna get some sleep. She wouldn't stop talking about how ignorant I am about everything. Damn! This morning, my dad drove me to school and he was talking about the same thing about I should understand where my mum was coming from. Fine, I'll call them by their new names, better?

Tutorials officially start next week so we'll see what happens..and I had to master French..Believe me when I said it's gotten be tired..

And guess what, I colored my hair. Blond and Brown,

2006-04-22T03:06:00.000-07:00

Ministry of Sound at Clark Quay = Havin' Fun with my best friend, Nic = Too much smoke = Dancing to songs I've never really heard of...plus suave DJ Tang (In-House DJ) and getting home 5 in the freaking morning! I don't normally hang out in clubs cause I can't really stand cigarette smoke, plus I don't wanna die of some cancer or something for something I couldn't control..Had fun nonetheless.

Got my results back. So I graduated with a mere 3.3., that is so not cool but i guess the fault lies in me in that Marketing Project. I totally screwed up in that presentation, all unprep up and smug. God, I hate myself! Damn it..

"Cry love
Cry war
Cry innocence
That is lost forevermore
Cry joy
Cry thief
Cry beautiful
That is just beyond belief
So I...
Cry at the end
Cry cause it all begins again
Here you are and so am I
And we cry
Cry alone
Cry to me
Cry freedom
Then let yourself be free
To shed the tears
That has to flow
To hold somebody close to you
And then to let them go
Cry at the end
Cry cause it all begins again
Here you are and so am I
And we cry
Cry peace
Cry hate
Cry faithlessness
Then just have a little faith
Cry at the end
Cry cause it all begins again
Here you are and so am I
And we cry
Try to be true
Try, cause we're only passing through
Here you are and so am I
And we cry
Cry cause it all begins again
Here you are and so am I
And we cry"

Les choses toujours arrivent pour une raison or so it should be.

2006-04-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

All right, so it has been really long since I've written. I've officially graduated from ITE College Central and now I'm practically lost. Rumors has it that I've scored 3.455 which is real damn fucking upsetting and very disappointing. I thought I'd have maybe scored 3.6 or above, considering most of my friends got 4 which is the full score. I would never wanna conceive myself as a weaker grader in my class but clearly, I am. Damn it! The result will be out 2 Fridays from now and we'll see...you know, if I get anywhere...

It has also been a while since I've written, poems or anything at all. Life has been rather stale for me since my last paper...and I've been rather worried about my grades and Muses has not visited me in a long time. On this random day, I decided to do some shopping, alone. Turned out I hated loneliness more than I hated hanging with a crowd I don't like. I hated how I spent most of my days talking to no one in particular except myself. Loneliness is that feeling where you know you are lost, that your life is most probably unplanned and out of grasp and time passes like pouring dry concrete onto the ground. And I thought, hmm, well, now I will have all the time in the world to continue my story, but...it's either I can't seem to focus or I couldn't find the perfect phrase to express what I truly wanted to. And then it became frustrating and I stopped. For a while, I stopped. Hopefully, I will be on track again.

And also, I went for my 6th blood donation 2 days ago..adding a green bandage to my collection of blue and something. They have new staff and better equipment there which is cool. And they gave me this green ball in which it helps to pump blood. It's a first and it's also cool cause I get to play with the ball now..it bounces and rolls away.

Met up with a friend I've not seen for quite some time. She has also finished her papers, scored As, a couple of Bs and a distinction. She has earned it and right now, as I'm typing, she's in Genting with her family, a place they've been more times that I can count. She shared with me how satisfied she is now, being single, living with her family, scoring good grades etc..I'm happy for her too.

2006-03-31T22:36:00.000-08:00

"When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you endlessly
And when you're mad cause you lost the game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby I love you
I love you anyway
Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you
No matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you
A little more each time
And when you can't quite match you clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
that's when I love you I love you
More than you know
And when you forgot that we had a date
Or that look that you give when you show up late
Baby I love you ,I love you anyway
So here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you
No matter what
Ohh that's when I love you when nothing baby, nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love, the more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you , when I love you no matter what
Ohhhh no matter what"

For the past couple of days, I lost track of time, don't even know what day it is. I didn't drink enough water nor get sufficient sleep, my head's a blur and my life's a bore. I need to find a way to get myself together

Been to 2 chalets and bailed on a clubbing trip down Clarke Quay. My friends are probably coming up with ways now to hunt me down and skinned me. I just couldn't..i think i had a condition. I felt so out of touch with anything..and it has been so since forever...Oh GOd..

Right now, it's the waiting. The wait to see if i'm getting anywhere, the wait to see if I ever get to get anywhere. Read the horoscope last night, said if i'm stuck in a rut, i need to get out..travelling. God knows how much I desire that...to be in a new place, to be a stranger and learner and all that exciting stuffs..to be able to speak English and not be laughed at. It's such a big world out there, and I'm sure there're tons of people who believe and agree with what I say.

2006-03-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

27 MARCH 2006 1101 to 1301...

The time spelled the end to it all..everything for the last 3 years. Time for some soul searching and reflection and revelations. And walking down memory lane and remembering some fucking mistakes that you've probably made over the course that maybe did pissed someone off.

I remembered how I was as a person and as an Express Student 4 years ago. I was a lost soul, just wandering about, searching for any glimpse of a moment that's remotely close to happiness. I'm not sure if I was any unhappy about anything then except about being a lousy grader but even that didn't really matter. Until later.

That year was so brillianly orchestrated by God that I think I was completely changed. Changed for something much bigger than who I already am. Changed into someone who finally sees and understood the bigger picture in life yet...SO unwilling to move on to better, less hurtful things. (Well, it is still unfair when you took her away from me.)
The whole realization of being out of a bad place and not knowing what's up next didn't even hit me hard the day I got my O levels results. I knew I sucked, I just didn't know how badly. Then there's the glimpse of The Moment - ITE. Just like most people, i didn't think highly of ITEs either..just some place where idiots go to and waste time pretending they aren't. Turns out I was the idiot.

ITE COLLEGE CENTRAL

I LOVE it here at Bishan...been through a lot, Good and Bad..knew just how big a human's heart can be. Found people who couldn't stop teasing me and people who didn't care who I was, Probably because none of them knew about the gayness. It was the first time I scored A in something that's not all about languages. It was the first time I realized I wanna study and fight for something, something I've lost when I was lost. It made me feel happy. The I'm-so-alone-in-the-world-no-one-could-reach-me feeling never did stray; I never feel THAT nervous about exams or projects. It just comes and go and I went with it, becoming a better grader and getting merit bursaries. And made friends for life.

Then came the 2nd year and the stupid oral presentation where I announced to the world i'm gay and in pain. Nobody really did appreciated what I was saying. It was the first time I was so nervous about a presentation cause it was ALSO the first time that I WAS the topic of the whole idea. No one came up to me and said anything. They probably weren't listening that attentively. That part of my life did aroused some curiosity and interest. That's when Yanti comes in. :) That's when she first wanna know about me.

There's another girl in class who's also,probably,might have been gay too. She had a girlfriend in the same school. I thought I found a kindred spirit in her, that we shared something common but nah, i was wrong. We shared a Big nothing...all she wanted is a guy who wouldn't hurt her as much.

Fizah, if you're reading this. Take this as a good thing. When I first saw you, I can't possibly remember when, I thought I wanted to be your friend. You interested me on a level that's sort of fun. I was beginning to learn about stuffs about you, that you're attached, that you loved singing, dancing and SC but hate school and was afraid of me. So I tried spending more time with you and all that. Please do not get the wrong idea. We're nothing more than just good friends,'k? Stay with me here, girl, cause I don't get a lot of good people like you everyday. :)

Roads wind and turn and bend and separate and Now's that time, i guess. Life could only get better from here. Dreams could come true, wedding knots could be tied, work could be better focused on and everyone's moving on. It's a nice thing...

2006-03-19T08:35:00.000-08:00

A good day that should have ended better.

Today's a big day for a best friend who deserved as much. I was so sorry it didn't turned out the way it should. And we didn't even do as much as cursed on national tv. It was probably the first time I ever had to see tears in her beautiful and hopeful eyes. And watching that glow in them just disappeared...all that yearning, time, effort and fingers crossing. I mean we will always be here for support and as a reminder that she's good. I was still glad I was right there with her cause I'd have rather taken it there and there than some SMS which wouldn't mean much. God...again, life has been unkind. Was it circumstances? or Was it really because she didn't do enough? We don't know. All I know is that we were just a few steps away from the Big thing...whatever it might be. Got to know a new friend though...it's their dancing pal..real cool and laughed when I shared something funny..been there with us till the end...Kudos!

We hanged out at my mum's place...ate kaya fondue that got everyone excited thinking about hot chocolate. We should have been able to afford more...damn! Then we had italian ice cream at Marina Square. We tasted some familiar tastes which had completely different names...Supposed to make us feel better, guess it did. And then we talked about an overseas trip which I am sure is very much needed. We all needed something new to teach us to live life differently and better, be it new experiences in a new environment. I have at least $400 now which I'm sorry to say is far from adequate. We are planning Australia...where Fizah's aunt is.

Here's how I think I should end...

She'll be as strong as I have always known
Be as brave as she would shown
Nothing could bring her down when she is never alone or cold
The tears in her eyes have dried as if they have never appeared
For it's just a bloody tiny hinder that's just gotten make her feel better
She waited patiently for the next door to open
and another chance to prove everyone wrong...
And we will be right there watching, glowing with pride and thanking God..we had her.

2006-03-18T01:21:00.000-08:00

"I miss her daily
I miss her badly
I miss her cause she's my one and only...
I felt her when I'm down
I felt her when I'm out
She gave me strength when I'm worn and torn
She gave me rest when all I wanted was a home
And though she's never gone cause I was her immortality,
there's still a hole right inside where she lived..."

Pardon me...just kinda came to me while I was in the bathroom and I have to write it down.

Countdown to the end of school in ITE...Exactly 240 short hours and 14400 minutes to go before my last paper, Marketing. Did a mock exam paper yesterday, was one hell of a paper, took me close to 2 hours to finish it which seldom occurs but hey, there's a first for everything. And then there's the signing extraganza after everyone collected the class photographs. Everyone felt like a star! Anyway, it was a mixed feeling, a part of you is happy you're getting out of this place you have been for 3 long years of your short life yet another part just screams "Let me stay, I promise I'll be a good person, I promise!", you know? And with the path all hazy and you can't really see what's out there once you ditch the school uniform and bloody cool black shoes. It's gotten suck, you know that. And I'm not even certain I could even have a place to go to, you know? AND I KNOW, as much as I'm unwilling to admit, there're things I'll miss for the rest of my life...Friends & other people, nasty canteen food and the colored tables, a couple of favorite toilets, how the route to school seems to be shorter when you have great company to walk with and all that...it's a whole new world out there waiting to hurt me and I can't be vulnerable again...

Exactly 10 days to save a couple of persons....

Read Karen's blog, realized how bad and unsupportive a friend I was to her. Like most people, she has and is encountering relationship problems with a Mr. Ben, the man whom she loves and wanna work things out with, no matter what the costs. Too bad, Mr. Ben's a coward and I, as a friend is blind and deaf to her SOSes. She tried to tell me about her problems and being the 'expert' I am, I simply entertained and brushed her off, like I wanted her to go away. I'm evil and wicked.

In her blog, she talked about how things are tying knots in themselves and how a pair of scissors is the only option which by the way, no one wants to go to or should I say use? Ben was a dodger to all problems that were right in front of his eyes which already required specs and should I recommend another trip down to the optical place?

So it's pretty true that sometimes, people miss what's right in their faces...until it's too late.

Anyway, I didn't know what to do but suggested them to the pair of scissors. But Karen suggested a Cool Off Session which probably will lead them further away from that pair of scissors. I don't know if she talks to Ben about it but I thought it was a great idea to let each other cool off a little. There will be less aggressive and more understanding, love, care & concern...it could really work out, that is, if Ben is willing to do his part. "Dear Ben, you either continue to be a bastard like you are so well being or learn to love and respect a girl who truly loves you...She's not one of your camp pals, she's more greater than that. She could be your life and everything you ever wanted. So stop being a dodger to reality here, when there is a problem, you stand up to it and solve it, With your girlfriend!"

Since I'm standing outside of the circle, I can't really do much but be supportive. I promise I'll never blow her off again though I can't really give any good advice, I mean, look at me. I'm a failure in relationships and stuff...So not the person you wanna go to for good advice...

2006-03-10T21:35:00.000-08:00

Projekt Satu a.k.a Showcasing of Artists' Talents Unplugged

10 March 06

I had my initial doubts about attending the performance cause I'm the odd one out..being the only chinese in a malay charity show thingy is just unusual. I enjoyed the show anyway and I realized what this project really meant to them, it's a showcase of their passion for their culture, passion and all that. And I was surprised my IT lecturer actually remembers me..or maybe she doesn't, perhaps she found it odd that I'm the only chinese audience and sitting kinda near to the stage.

Anyway, it was time well spent. And I met Fizah's cousin, Sara, photographer and nice person. I don't usually open up that soon to a stranger but I'm cool with her.. We were talking about how the school seemed eerie and how the school was filled with people signing up for part-time courses in the middle of the night. It's kinda weird when the queue went on even after 10pm.

It was a good experience and I was glad I was there to see them. It meant a lot to everyone involved...

Something happened in the morning during assembly. I was super tired and I couldn't be bothered with what the annoucements were and I was listening to my mp3 player and then I was crying and everyone saw that. It was stupid and I told them I was just tired...and of course, it's more than that. And the lyrics of the song I was listening to played a big part in the crying. It's a chinese song so I couldn't write the lyrics here...anyway, it was nothing.

Horror Movie Marathon!

11 March 06

Meeting Yixian and the gang later around 11.45 at Plaza Singapura for a movie marathon thingy..Pretty exciting!

Woke up in tears this morning, had a dream. Not sure if it's a bad dream or a dream that supposed to bring me a message. I have a bad memory, the world knows that and I usually can't remember my dream the minute I wake up, all I know is I had a dream. But this one stayed vividly in my head.

In the dream, that's me, and my brother, J and my girlfriend (the one's who's not really here). It's a strange dream. I was talking to my girlfriend under a void deck, could be her house, I don't know..with my brother. Then I found myself and her and J at a bookstore kinda place..there were a lot of books on shelves and stuff...and I think J wanted to buy something, a white colored pouch while my girlfriend was browsing a book written by an author named Tamara W. Swift. Tamara Swift is a interactive cartoon character on BBC.com..she wasn't an author.. Strange, isn't it?

Then all of a sudden, I found my girlfriend and I in a bed sans J thankfully...a huge bed, King size, maybe in some manor or something. Wherever we were, it's a huge and beautiful place. Like a palace with gold and white everywhere. Anyway I'm sure whoever is reading my blog doesn't need me to spell out what was going on in the bed....Anyway, we laid lying on the bed, she was reading the same book she did in that bookstore place.

Our very very short conversation is as followed:

A(that's me):Hey.
W(that's her): Yeah? (Still reading her book)
And I kept quiet, just looking at her and everything was quiet.
A:Hey.
W:Yeah?
A: Does your dad still hate me?
W: No, in fact he's inviting you over for dinner.
Then everything was quiet.
A:Hey
W:Yeah?
When all I did was looked at her again, she put down her book for a while and looked back at me.
W:Yeah? (She said again, her attention on me)
A: I just wanna look at you. (In a very soft tone)
W smiled and went back to her book. Then she said "You've changed" and smiled again, returning to her reading.

I couldn't understand why she said that. I'm not sure if it means something. All I felt was happiness, pure bliss...we didn't have to do anything, or worry about anything, we were just making love and lying on the bed and watch as time passed.

Then the dream took us out of the bed, all clothed, outside a departmental store. It's like she doesn't know me at all. She was standing there, selling something and completely ignoring me. And there were people around me, kissing and doing other stuffs I couldn't remember. Then when I realized she was ignoring me, I was sad and down and I ran to the toilet and I was really hurt and all that... I didn't understand what was going on...How could she not know me?

Then I guess my mum woke me up when she stole my fan. It was a hot morning and I couldn't go back to bed or into the dream, for that matter. I wanted to see her, I wanted to feel that bliss and love between us. There was just nothing. And my day was ruined cause I couldn't stop thinking about her!

And the thing is, I have to go back to my revision. I'm having my Marketing Mock Exam on the 17th of March...12 chapters and a blank mind.

2006-03-02T16:27:00.001-08:00

Well, days has been hectic...and I actually worked for a day which is cool. It's a surveyor thing at NUS which is a huge place, I must add. The last time I was there was when I was in Secondary 4..I was there to watch this play about Vincent Van Gogh and it was great. I totally love the approaching thing cause that's me. You know, the whole interaction thing..Anyway, we were unauthorized and we were not supposed to be in that school doing the survey. We had to hide and stuff which is sort of ridiculous. And we were approached by the campus security. He asked about who we were working for and if we had permission..I think I've earned $24.50. I've not gotten the money yet..And then while we're doing this surveying thing under the hot sun, we were approached by another company. She wondered if we're free on weekends, work for her. It's going to be at Suntec...and we have to dress better. We'll see what happens next. And then on the way home, Alivina asked how long I've been single and I said 4. Then she asked if I'll be interested if some guy comes and wants to know me and stuff...I told her how slim that possibility is. I don't wanna go there. It's hard.

Watched 'Strong Medicine' last night, glad I didn't miss it for 'The Amazing Race'. It was a great episode..Lu finally believed in herself and got on with life after the rape...even held a demostration and got the message across. In America, a woman gets raped every 2 minutes and mostly the rapists will get away unpunished. It's something that people doesn't realize but it's constantly happening. Anyway, Dana's gotten have a baby...which is great. I think she's gotten name the baby Lu.

That bitch has been reading my blog and she's telling me that whatever that's between my mum and I will be resolved with time and that everyone loves me and all that. I wanted to shout 'bugged off' when I read the email. Why can't she just leave me alone? Why can't she get out of my life and I could have a tiny bit of peace...

Sent in a couple of poems to The Straits Times. Not sure if they got it..They had this "Busted" section in the newspapers and you could either send in something of originality, creativity and artistic. Poems, songs, artworks etc..and I sent in 2 poems..Wrote about how I missed her..

2006-02-25T21:54:00.000-08:00

J'étais son immortalité

Watched 'Sweet November'last night and I got to cry my eyes out..which is normally cool...Love the show...it's one of those shows with no real good ending yet it's not bad at all..."You're my immortality...I love you, Nelson Moss." "I love you, Sara Deever."

"She just need a month to change his life forever"

I love this line..

Anyway, after watching the show, I realized how little I'm living life..Here I am, stuck in a body of business student who's not even really interested in business in the first place, always so conscious about everything..her body, her face, her clothes, her everything, the way she talks etc...She's going nowhere...

I need to let myself go, do things that I'll enjoy..and learn to let the pain slide...I'm her immortality, she didn't go anywhere...nowhere at all..She just kinda went somewhere with her love for me and my love for her..She's having a good time somewhere and someday, I can be blind and still find her and we can both have a good time together then.

Learn to stop and live in the present and try not to dodge the past nor yearn the future..at least not so much. I need to get a life that I want...

2006-02-25T04:30:00.000-08:00

Today's the 3rd day of my 'it's me alone' day...I have not spoken to her (mum) for 3 days. And now, every time I see her, it's nothing but hatred and scared. This is the first time we've not spoken for so long and the first time I wanted her out of my life. I want nothing to do with her as much as she wants nothing to do with me. I guess if things are the way they are now..there's nothing I should be afraid of anymore.. I could be myself, I could be gay, I could work and save for my tattoos and DVDs..I could do what I want..I could write as much and kept as many diaries that I want cause no one will read them.

I can be alone.

Now that I've also deny any contact nor hope for any reconcilation with Dee, I am but free. No restraints, no 'what if she's hurt?', nobody and nothing to care about at all. I'm me and me alone. I would live my life the way I always wanted and be as silent as the dead.

She never did care about me, nor wish I was something more, nor ever tries to understand me as a person or saw what I did or trying to do. All she ever cares about is her son. All she believes in is that one fine day, her son would take care of her and they will live happily ever after with a dozen of bloody kids and a nice daughter-in-law who's not out to steal her son away from her and that I wouldn't be in her face cause I'm somewhere else, somewhere really far, living my own life. That would have been nice, wouldn't it?

I could cope alone..I always have. I could even do without the talking as long as you don't count that part where I speak to myself. She's never here and she's think I'm never there. We have always beEN so...No one interferes with nobody's business...

I'm happy. I don't know... well, at least that's what I tried to convince myself of..that night I sat hiding in the toilet and crying my eyes out and I know no one cares if I die or vanished into thin air. The way her words pierced into my soul and forever deny me of her love. The wound would never heal the way I've never truly speak to her.

See? I even have to write something about it...

Every single night, I listened to her whining and screaming
Every single night, I pray that God will eventually come save me
And Every single night, he broke his promise and I'm left with just waiting and denying
Soon, Every other day, I began to stop talking
I pretend I'm the only one breathing and living in a place I called "me"
Every single second, she turned her back and abandoned me
And from that second on, she will never hear me nor her voice shall ever bring peace.

Anyway, school's ending real soon...we're talking weeks. My brain cells are dying rapidly with the ideas I'm spewing. Friends are going to leave me for other more important things and I'm left with a hope that life would change for the better when I go to Poly..that is, if I actually make it...

2006-02-18T22:07:00.000-08:00

Friday
Met with Adeline to finish up her IAP Powerpoint on Friday and then we went shopping at Orchard..bought stuffs. And now I owed her $65 for a black top, a pair of sandals and a dinner and I think it's gotten take around 13 days for me to return my debt if I save $5 a day..Overall it was fun. Returned home and missed around 10 minutes of Survivor and they actually got Misty out! I like Misty...damn it!

After watching Survivor, I read Brokeback Mountain and just like any other gay/lesbian stories, it didn't have a good ending. I expected it, of course. Jack Twist, played by Jake Gyllenhaal in the movie, died in a freaky accident, leaving the man who loved him all along alone. The story was about time and companionship and feelings between 2 persons. It didn't happened. It just happened. 2 persons of the same sex who happened to fall in love. Just don't emphasis whether it's about 2 men. Just don't. Cayse everyone knows that it always is a fucked-up situation whether it's heterosexual or homosexual.. Love is a fucked-up situation.

They have been through rough times together, spent enough time together, married and had several kids to call Father..I mean, however so, the love will always be there. And no one has any right to deny that. There's something in the book that I like. "if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it." Too bad, I can't watch the movie...

Saturday
Supposed to go to Fizah's so we could watch The O.C. Season 2 but I was down with a 38.3 fever, cough, sore throat and body aches. Therefore we couldn't hang. Yesterday was like hell for me..I couldn't do anything...Super headache and all alone and all that..Thank god my temperature dropped to 36.3 in the evening. Less headache but still as weak and sore throat. Water's like my best friend now!

Anyway, my mum didn't care if i was feeling better..she was just anxious to get me out of bed to do the housework and stuff...now that she's out for work and I'm all alone at home..I'm definitely feeling better...

Le Calme Avant l'Orage

I hate it when my mum would scream at my dad or at me. There has to be something wrong in her..could be menopause, i don't know. Her temper has been really bad for a long time now..I mean, I know the kind of person she is, I just didn't expect it to be that bad, you know..she kept yelling and throwing things or not speaking when I talked to her...I hate it. That's why she could never understand me. The person I am and who I really is inside. Or what I want. Maybe she stop caring for me...a long time back...

2006-02-11T22:08:00.000-08:00

L'Expérience de Survivant

Yesterday was Vincent's 21st birthday party at Changi and all of us went. Yeah, it's the big 21. There were a lot of people whom we didn't know. The only people whom we could probably recognized were people from ISN. Everyone else was weird. So we went to the beach and I got pushed down the water. And of course, we had eggs and flour. Only not. The day was kinda ruined...with the long traveling time and the girlfriend being unhappy or maybe protective of her boyfriend whom we would have mistaken as her husband plus we were starved and Starved translated to Annoyance. I mean we understand that things have changed since NITEC. We used to just speak what's on our mind without giving much thoughts and how that has to go now...things are different with a girlfriend around, someone whom you care a great deal for and wanna protect at all costs. I totally get it but of course, we weren't that happy about it at first..but no one holds grudges and we will adapt to the changes and looking at the bright side, it could be a Happily Ever After for them. It's like the Engagement Party in disguise last night with the cake san Marriage. Haha!

Waited for Andrew to turn up last night..he had Dance Club something going on and he kinda aligned at the wrong bus stop because according to him, I was rushing him and he made a wrong judgement therefore aligning several bus stops away. I hanged out with him in the chatlet room while he showered and I read newspapers. We actually wanted to watch the DVD he brought but his friends came in and wanted to play games so we hanged out with his ISN classmates at the pit and we were talking and everything. They are pretty funny and pretty nice too. So it was good I stayed over a while longer while Mary and gang went home. Eventually my dad came to pick us ('drew and me) up around 12.40 and we went home..Before we leave, Vincent's sister asked if we're a couple and I told her "No,we're more like strangers that happened to be living in Yishun and that my dad is picking him up and so forth." and that made everyone laughed which is good cause I wanna make it funny. And Drew pretended to be hurt and he said "You could have just told them we're friends!" And I laughed.

Drew's like the first guy who I am comfortable with, you know..cause that hardly happens. I met him while on the horrible attachment and I found that I could hang out with him pretty well. I mean, I don't really know him that well yet but we seemed comfortable. He's a Christian and he strongly believes that God will lead him to his wife and so forth...I admired his faith in God when everything around us is wrong and screwed. Anyway, he tried to talk me out of being gay and all that..and I listened to him..but no one knows what will happen...

Maybe that's why we're so cool. He probably has no qualms about me being a girl or someone who needed protection and stuff cause i think he thinks just because i'm gay, I'm just like another guy...and we could be open about things..I know the staying in the room alone with him sounded kinda weird but I swear we were joking when he said he would give me his 'first night' and I pretended to undress.

Ok, this is one of the songs that got me all ripped out inside and here it is...

"Another year older
A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than?
A year ago today
Looking over my shoulder
I was so much younger then
I can't believe what happened
A year ago today
And I just can't forget about it
It wouldn't mean a thing
You went away
A year ago today
Another year gone by
Oh the tears have run dry
Life seemed so unkind
A year ago today
And I just can't understand it
And I don't think I ever will
You went away
A year ago today
And how many times have I questioned myself
What more could I do
And how many times did I fool myself
Over you oh yeah
You've gotta pick yourself up,
Take another look
And dust yourself off cause life's not too good,
I'll say it to myself and I'll say it again
Love will never end
And though we're so far apart
You're forever in my heart
Another year older
A little bit stronger
On this anniversary
You're watching over me
You went away
A year ago today
You ran away
A year ago today"

2006-02-02T16:53:00.000-08:00

Eventually, a conclusion will be drawn.

I've been thinking, about stuffs, important stuffs. And I know I will never fall in love with her. I might have to be cruel and brutually frank this time. Nothing about her fascinates me. No interest nor curiosity whatsoever. I'm officially cutting off any possible contacts with her and unless something happen, it's not working.

Ok, back to my life...got back my marketing paper. Could have done better. Watched 'Strong Medicine' on Star World and something struck me. Hard. What if I've given her my heart?...But of course, it won't work cause she died almost instantly...there wouldn't be enough time. Heaven and Time wouldn't allow us that.
No Second Chance.

Guilt's gripping. You gotten grab hold of that second chance to do right. If that chance ever comes to you.

2006-01-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

Today, we talked about the Marketing Paper and how some of us sucked..I think I've lost the bet with Rab. i mean, she scored full marks for the first half of the paper and I pretty much suck. Anyway, i've got my AOA paper to top that off...I didn't even managed to finish the damn paper..with the help of a very unhelpful mouse and stupid brain. God, i can't believe how close i am to finishing it!

Shopped for bags at Far East..kinda saw the one that I wanted but I'm all broke with a $50 note shaped in a heart in my bag..plus one good friend of mine brought the bag she wanted at 29.60 when it's supposed to be 32.80. God! I'm glad she got the bag though..good for her..

Good progress with Rab and Naza, now officially a couple! Yeah! Tomorrow's NAPFA and i will probably fail..God help me!

2006-01-19T04:41:00.000-08:00

"And it hurts my soul
cause I can't let go
all these walls are caving in,
I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show
that I lost control
cause I keep going
right back to the one thing
I need to walk away from..."

Pain's been haunting, bringing gifts like isomnia and teary eyes and headaches. Did anyone tell Pain that Christmas's over? I would really appreciated it if my brain could die a little and just for a whole second, I could be drained of emotions and sense. Anyway, my mum's been going nuts for the past weeks, and unfortunately, she is having a 3 days off from work and considering the kind of pain that she said her failing body is causing her, her mouth couldn't stop yelling and cursing and shouting. It's amazing I must say, the kind of energy she actually has and didn't know. So Headaches and sleepless nights plus a crazy mother, a couple of papers and projects and school..God, I must really thank my maker.
Chinese New Year is coming soon and i foresee the repeat of history. A very bad history.

Today is the start of the Open House for most of the Polys..I will be checking them out myself tomorrow with a few classmates. I'm not sure what I intend to achieve from it all but I do hope I will not be going home empty.I just finished my Marketing CA today..and i had a bet with Rab..Loser play treat at Mac's..Can't really say if there's a clear winner yet cause I guess both of us kinda screwed.

By the way, if anyone remembers that Dee said she would send me stuffs, She did..And I intend to send her something too, a letter perhaps.

2006-01-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

Dear patient readers,
Pardon me the delay in my updates. To be honest, nothing new has been going on, hence i don't see the need for updates and no one has missed out on anything. Life has been the same pretty much. I cut my hair short and brought a Motorola cell and battery at $249 which comes with free pouch and a desktop charger.
Both CAs have been postponed, just as most of the people wanted. I'm not sure if I'll handle the papers good...plus a upcoming NAPFA test.
Dee's sending me a card with 5 photographs and possibly money. I'm not sure when I'll receive them but I'm definitly crossing my fingers.
How does being a fourth wheel felt like? And I don't think it's even coincidences. I mean although Mr 4th just popped out whenever there's a dinner, twice in a row! And he made everyone awkward cause no one talks when he's around. No one knows nuts to talk about. Anyway, I've no qualms about what's with Mr 4th. So as long as they are happy, I'm good.

Ok, I relived days. Wednesday. My mum asked if I'll go with her if she ever decides to leave my dad. I chose her. And she asked if I would go to Malaysia with her and I said no. I told her how I don't really care and how my dad is just like any typical asian dads who do not know how to express themselves. I was slightly pissed but not at all surprised. I know something's wrong, I just can't place my fingers. We'll see what happens next..Shall we?

Mentioned how I'm all dumb and disorientated? I spent 20 minutes outside the computer lab where I'm supposed to have a class 2 hours later. And then while I sat down, a wet rat, drenched from the rain and the thought struck me. It's Marketing and not IT...god, i need a life.

Weather's been chilly. All rain and no sun. It's no fun at all.

2005-12-29T07:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, i know how much I've not been updating this thing.

Went to the Snow City and Sentosa on Thursday and Friday respectively. I'm totally exhausted..watched American Next Top Model at Fizah's house and I barely made the last bus...Took lots of photos..just waiting to receive them and people can check them out on Friendster or maybe I'll update this blog and add photos..Should really start on my Marketing CA which is the 2nd week of January..I think I know nothing about the module and I really need time to seriously read them through and try to understand. I realized I wrote too much in my last assignment, Gigantic waste of time! Although I got the correct answers down anyway.

2005-12-20T20:45:00.000-08:00

I finally delivered what I promised. Several treats, a couple sets of DVDs, birthday presents, a pair of giordano pants, some good lunches and dinners at better places...it was all good. All good 'til I'm all spent. I still have not call HMV to see there're vacancies. I'm a chicken with human skin on.

Dee and her brother are currently into this online war game..and they seemed to be having loads of fun. Dee even got to know this guy from Spain. I told her I'm no good with games and that I could be an idiot. But...for the sake of making her happy and having the chance to interact with her brother, i signed on. Now i have millions worth of goldcoins, hundreds of humans that I could utilized for I am Queen of my Kingdom, appropriately named The Kingdom of Maclay. And I'm human, with acres of land to explore, people to train as soldiers, wizards etc...

Marketing Proposal...brains squashed...pockets burned

2005-12-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

In mere days, I am already one sixth through my DVDs collections which by the way is bigger than ever..I'm covering Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The O.C., The L Word, Smallville, Tru Calling, Dark Angel...and in the process of getting BtVs Season 5 and 6 and The O.C. Season 2, I'm like half depleted. Plus dinner and coffee bean...God, i've spent more than i could save. That's why the having-to-call-HMV-to-see-if-they-have-vacancies has to come in...People would be happy to know that nothing's edited. They are actually having censorship problems so there isn't BtVS Season 6 anywhere in Singapore. It's the scenes and the way the story is, I assumed.

Looking forward to chatting with her tonight, got lots to tell her but i can't tell her everything, you know...can't tell her how much i miss her and want her and want her to be here when she is one and a half day away from me. She wouldn't know how it is for me. So hard, and lonely and empty. Why is it that i can't explain such confusion? I don't wanna hurt her like i did and she's the only one who could love me the way she does. Am I just jealous and that all these feelings are just temporary and will go away as soon as i tell her?

I thought I could at least deserve a bit of love.

2005-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Ok..I know I've not been updating my blog so here I am. Received my cheque for $480 finally, was happy cause I'm out of the I'm-always-broke club for at least several months, I hope. Right now, Fizah's my treasurer and I'm supposed to give her 5 bucks everyday so at the end of 20 days, I would have 100 bucks, to cover my DVDs..Totally on the search looking for the best bargain now. Located several places but have yet been there. Went to the ice skating rink in Jurong..where I remembered I hurt my head real bad when I fell..the tiny phobia still lingers..but I tell myself to be brave and that there's nothing I cannot do and I actually did not fall today. I was proud of myself. Went to IMM, shopped a while...real tired, took pictures, overall it was fun.

I'm been searching deep down in my soul, wondering what could come out of this life. Of course, I don't know yet. Plus the ever confusing relationship with her. I don't know, every time I saw a couple or when i needed company, i would always think of her or when I saw something nice, I would like her to be here so we could share, you know, stuffs..I was the one who called it quits in the first place and right now, I should be more comfortable with where we are now but I'm not exactly so. I can't be sure if I love her, like I really really want her to be my girlfriend and I can't talk about it with her cause that would bring back old memories and triggers for more unnecessary arguments which i have had before. I miss her, and think about her most of the time, and she thinks about me most of the time, but she's so faraway and it seems to be so unrealistic..she's there and i'm here and we're not together. How can I be sure of my feelings for her? I don't wanna hurt her but I don't have the answers either.

For the past few weeks, been hanging out with Fizah and Yanti after school..which is fun, funny and the bond is so much stronger now. Had a misunderstanding with Yanti the other day regarding a stupid Marketing Project but now we're cool.

2005-11-28T08:11:00.000-08:00

Almost 10 days since my last update. First week of school just ended..and é new one starts today...was late for Marketing..there was something wrong with my mother..she's gone nuts. Anyway, i managed to make it by 1.30..and the lesson has not exactly started yet. Hmm..post attachment and post-19th birthday..Totally appreciated Fizah and Yanti with the CD and cake smashing..haha! Was the only fun thing that day..back in school, everyone who remembers remembered and i was happy...thank you guys!

Deepa and I are getting back on track again, i know i said that i won't talk to her ever again and here i am, talking with and about her...again. Well, i hear her out and i wanted to make it right..this will be the last chance though, that is if she ever screws up again..We are mostly chatting like a day per week so it's ok..cause i would actually wanna talk to her.

Fizah and Yanti brought this Adidas watch and i'm supposed to get one too..i'm waiting for my cheque..if i could get it this week..i could also get the watch. And then there's the DVDs..and i need to get a job soon cause i can't go broke after my attachment cheque. Wish me luck!

2005-11-19T01:25:00.000-08:00

Great news, today, 19 Nov 2005 marks the last day of my IAP which stands for Inplant Attachment Programme. Everyone was happy..with the eating, slacking, chatting and drawing and stuffs..I didn't miss the place at all..except for Reena. She was my manager for a week. She was the girl i said resembled Deepa..She's Muslim..probably that's the problem..4 days to the end of attachment and suddenly she was ignoring me. She wouldn't talk to me or even mentioned my name. She wouldn't even looked at me. I think i know why. It was my fault. Totally...I unintentionally told her about me and Because I'm a lesbian and clearly, her and her religion comdemned homosexuality. She wanted to distance herself. She thinks homosexuals are a bunch of crazy freakish people who didn't realize the shit they are in...or it could also be the language barrier. I don't speak Malay..she started talking and having lunches with my other colleagues..totally ignoring me there..She thought i was irritating and stuff and i thought i should just forget about her too..like i never knew her. And today marked the last day i would see her. I didn't miss a thing...Christmas's coming..so it's my birthday..Todaý's a happy day. So glad that i'm out!

2005-11-09T00:11:00.001-08:00

Spent a couple hours at the Esplanade with Yanti, talking and chilling..told her about Deepa and classmates, first impressions of each other and how we got closer etc...introduced her Adeline, my colleague...it's nice having the chance to sit down and talk...we never get to do that..one thing's missing though, Fizah. She would have perfect the whole chilling thing. Yanti agreed that i should forget about her and get a life back. I should be strong for myself and be untangled from this web of apparent deceit and confusion. And i agreed that i should forget about her but somehow for a whole second, i felt bad, and questions started arising. Like what if i lost Deepa for good? Was it worthwhile? Can i not try harder? Did we?

I have had enough of her insecurities, faithlessness in me and the incapability to express her feelings. Well, apparently, she wasn't good in typing. And she still believes that i'm in love with someone else, for example, her college mate, Jean. I felt no connection and anything remotely interesting about her. Maybe I never did. She sent me this email and i read it. It was nothing new. We'll see how it'll goes..and whether i'm as strong as i believed in.

While Yanti sat and talk, i wished time would leave us behind so we could talk for as long as time's possible but of course, we can't. I actually waited for the last train for 10 minutes. I reached home around 1 in the morning and i had to go to work at 7..Yeah, work. Walked towards the mrt station with my manager who happens to live near me after work today...showed me in the direction of the train station so i could take train in the morning and not be stuck in the bus full of humans. She's kinda cool,i think, I don't know..talked about Jeslyn and this other girl from work and how their attitudes sucked and how we prayed that what they reap does bite them in their asses.

It's another new day of work and headaches plus stomach cramps and shiverings..hope i could get up in the morning and not be late.

2005-11-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

Last night, i thought i was chatting with Deepa, about work and stuff but turned out we ain't really chatting at all. A few nights back, she introduced me to her college friend, Jean which i found great pleasure knowing and talking with. We didn't talk much anyway but it was nice. And i didn't realized Deepa was going all jealous on me. She thought i was interested in Jean, whom she introduced me in the first place and talked very little with. I told her she was being assumptious and silly and that it's near impossible for me to be interested in a stranger, especially one so far away. And the conversation took a bad turn. So bad that i would never talk to her again. Ever.

Well, apparently I'm the saddest person on earth who is a cruel, pathetic fucking liar, faker, that i didn't know what love is and I was toying with her feelings...the list goes on. I was hurt, i think but i didn't bothered to even explain anymore. I didn't care to even be on the defensive. I just wanted out. Free of this ridiculous mistake. I simply agreed with what she said...Yeah, so i'm a pathetic fucking liar who toyed with her feelings and was constantly lying to her, just waiting her to break in pain. Only I'm not.

I got really mad and pissed off with what i had to deal with constantly. I told her I don't love her and never would and she took it that it has been my intention from the very start to hurt her. I really don't care. I'm too tired. I deteled her cell number, email address and my Yahoo Messenger which i initially downloaded for her and i should detele her from my Friendster account and MSN Messenger too. She tried to call me and i didn't pick up at all. I don't wanna talk, i don't wanna talk to someone who never saw me for the person i am. She never did saw me.

Right now, i hope i could just live my life again. In Peace and in Love.

2005-11-01T01:33:00.000-08:00

My first blog in such a long while...Started my 1st day at work and i can't believe who i saw. It's her, the girl who i met twice at the train station, and who in a weird coincidence, reminds me of Deepa cause she kinda resembled her. And you bet i got a hell of a shock when i saw her right that corner.Apparently, she's one of the immediate supervisor i might have to report to if by any chance, i'm working under her..Work..i have to make 140 calls to companies to confirm their addresses..it's totally not me to actually call anyone and imagine 140! but of course i did..i'm left with like 10 companies before i finished A. And just A alone, took me 4 hours to call! My neck hurts like hell, shoulders soon, headaches..feeling kinda miserable. Friends going overseas while i work my shit off..Some girl is heading for Down Under, in fact another guy is too..but he's there for NS training but still...it's the Down Under..and an old friend of mine, she's going to China and Hong Kong with her boyfriend's family, purely for pleasure. How cool is that! And she told me she could get back before my birthday so she could celebrate it with me! She always remember my birthday...while on the other hand, i'm the fucking friend who can't remember anyone's birthday except mine. Thank God i don't have to work on Tuesday and Thursday. God, i needed the break!

2005-10-20T00:23:00.000-07:00

The day before yet another major paper and 2 days before the last paper. I'm stuck in my brain, can't seem to absorb anything. Made dinner today, and my father praised me for it. I couldn't do nothing all day and i had weird dreams in the morning. And then came the Amazing Race and Charmed, lighted up my day or night for that mattter, instantly. I gave up on the notes and i just pray hard that i'll at least get a B, though the world knows i want and need an A. Nothing much to write about really...yeah, supposed to be burning the oil for tomorrow's paper and things kinda got in the way so here i am, writing my blog at home, waiting for the laundry. God,it has been a long time since i have to feel nervous or inadequate for an exam paper. I stopped having such feelings since i came to ITE but that's all that i'm feeling from the bloody day i knew about the dates for the exams. God, i hate this feeling, it's making me all weak and useless.

I think I'm gotten cut my hair this Friday, i mean if i suddenly have enough money for a decent hair cut. And i'm probably gotten watch Jodie Foster's FlightPlan, heard it's real good. Hmm, and the picture, i thought i tried out the feature and stuff, you know, see how it turned out..since all my other entries are nothing but words that did a splendid job at boring people.

I just hope tomorrow and the day after tomorrow come and go as soon as i close my eyes cause i would take Survivor and a possible haircut over exam papers anyday.

2005-10-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

Aftermath of a very dragging and smoky model competition at Macpherson ITE, 15 Oct 2005. God i thought i could die in there! I was tired and as sick as the word sick is. What with sore throat, headache, flu and mild cough. I'm getting sick too easily these days. Gotten remember to drink enough H2O. The modelling thing was called Mr and Miss ITE, involved 5 campuses, Macpherson being the host campus and god, they suck. The show was supposed to start from 5.30 but it started at 7, with most people's bored and dying to get out. They were killing the enthusiasism in people. And god, did i mention the music?

Talked with D, she knows she talk stupid sometimes, clinging onto unimportant and senseless topics she just couldn't seem to understand/get over. As usual, i had to be patient with her. And then after that, she would sms me and tell me how ridiculous she has been the night before. And then we were talking about this trip with her co-workers to Singapore. I'm not sure if they are really coming. I'm kinda nervous. I mean, i'm gotten see her in person. And because we needed to cut down on the nervousness, she suggested we start talking on the phone..again,i'm nervous, i don't know. It's just nerve-wrecking. I mean, yeah, we talked once in the phone completed with poor reception and robotic kind of Q & A..she actually asked about school and the weather. I know that we are nervous to a point where we probably stop thinking and start making words that we don't understand and i wanna change that. It's only fair that we are comfortable with each other. She wants to call me after the exams...

Exams. EVM. My mum took me to this fortune teller in Johor some months back. She told me i had to really focus on my studies to get the usual good grades. And i realized now how true her words are. I mean, i don't usually believe in stuff like that because i don't think we should know stuffs like that unless they are truly meant for us, you know, like the Heaven's secrets or something. Anyway, i got back to school to a brilliant lady who's my form teacher plus other not-so-fun modules..my grades could really take the fall. I'm unwilling to give up on the stupid modules with my life being more interesting and plus, I was worried that i couldn't get the As i needed for poly and personal satisfaction and i was freaking out and still am freaking out when i couldn't memorize any of my notes! There are a million other things i wanted to do instead of notes and you don't know how wrong it felt in my guts. So i tried to do the notes for the first paper, Events Management and i think i got most of the key points in my brain...God Blesses and I'll pull through. I'm off to my notes now!

But before that, this lovely song lifted up my spirits a little:

"She's walking there alone
No one by her side
She manages to fight the tears but
The pain inside
She can't hide
And all the tears she's cried
The moment she closes her eyes she starts
Thinking of you
The dreams that she had one time
Have gone away
Will they ever come true?
All she needs is… all she needs is you
And she wishes today
Was one year ago
When you cared so much for her
And loved her so
Not a doubt in her mind that it would still be you
Cause the love that you shared… it was true
You never thought about it,
What you made her feel
You promised you'd stay together,
But the hope she once had… so unreal
All she needs is… all she needs is you
And she wishes today
Was one year ago
When you cared so much for her
And loved her so
Not a doubt in her mind that it would still be you
Cause the love that you shared… it was true"

By:

2005-10-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Extremely pissed and stressed now. Apparently, i can't handle the exams. Maybe i'm not trying hard enough,i don't know. Chatted with D the other night which was our 3rd purely-friendship anniversary, expressing thoughts about each other, it's all still subtle and innocent except it's about sex. We're not having virtual sex something, if people wanna know. It's merely sharing of thoughts and opinions that apparently won't go away in our heads and it's becoming our fave topic. We weren't sure if it's ok to be talking about it because we're purely friends and i wanna keep it that way, platonic and safe. I started it first, my bad but it's still cool, thankfully.

Again, with the giving up of the stupidest IPOD ever. I have downloaded 36 songs in the I-Tunes and i can't seem to work the IPOD. For God's sake, I followed every step. I think it's the battery. Hmm...maybe i should get it changed. This is frustrating to the max!

(For whoever knew nothing about BtVS, you know you should skip this part)
Made a realization today about Willow and Tara, about why Amber Benson didn't wanna come back in season 7 and why she made the comment that said "If i do come back, I will have to be bad and i don't wanna be bad." Well, i think i know why. I realized whoever came back in s7 was sort of bad..like Bastard Warren and all those made-believe ghosts. If someone deceased was to come back like Cassie Newton or one of the PS, they are most likely back to screw and bring pain, not assistance or love. I've been reading these fan fic where Tara came back after her death, twice as a vampire. Gee, imagine the odd of that. And with vampires being the natural enemy of the Slayer, Willow and the Scoobies were practically torn and nobody wants that. The only reason for someone very dead to be un-dead was just because they could mess up life on Hellmouth and with the First moving in..it could only be worse. I wouldn't want a deader Tara cause that's gotten hurt like hell twice as bad. We'll see how the story goes..

Before we left for home on Tuesday, 11.10.05, Mrs. Angie Lee said something that i remembered. It was the last PR class and she had to say things like 'Hey, this is the last time she's teaching us cause apparently Mrs. Heng did not give her any of our modules..." I was sad, actually. The fact that it was indeed our last class with her surprisely made me sad. I'm never part of the hate-Angie league even though that doesn't mean i don't dislike her...for a certain degree, she could be tiny bit of nuisance. And even with that, thoughts of having a last class with her didn't quite sit well with me...I don't know...

Damn, exams.

2005-10-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

Well, what should i write today? How about exams and a new friend? Exams are coming and i hated how it made mee feel. All stressed out and guilty when i'm doing anything but books. I have tons of notes i have to squeeze into my tiny-as-a-pea-sized brain and i've not started nothing yet. I tried, you know, i always do but i need a change of environment, maybe, like the library or somewhere quiet. Being at home is too much of a distraction, what with the computer and songs and the bed; nobody forgets the bed. I hope my brain works soon cause i certainly have no time to lose.

A new friend,Harry,21,Malaysian,courtesy of Deepa. They met over the internet. We exchanged a couple of emails and she told me about this hurtful friendship she used to have and how she's confused about her own sexuality. I tried to help her, by questioning and understanding her situation. I can't say she's truly a homosexual cause i don't know yet. Neither does she even though to some extent, she thought she is. I do hope she make the right choices cause in life, whatever decision you make, they come back 3 times as bad/as good as what we call and sometimes dread-consequences. We are gotten talk more though.

Now, at least 3 persons thought i'm mature for my age. I guess i'm taking that as a compliment. I wouldn't wanna be an asshole and ended arrogant or something.I'm just saying what i feel and think is right and i didn't know i do not sound like a 18+ should be. Haha! Well, i'm me..take it/leave it.

Yeah, before i forgot, movies too. "Into the Blue" starring Jessica Alba, Paul Walker and Ashley Scott..these are some of the more familiar faces. It's about treasure-hunting, drugs, relationships and bonds, money, especially money or what they called "cheese". It had a happy ending, with gold and sunken 150 years old ship called Zephyr or something. I love the end part..with sharks and all those blood and violence. It definitely woke me up from a slumber I nearly fall into earlier.

The Ipod thing seems to be working for me..so it's good, i think. It took me 3 days to figure it out..and i'm glad i did. Super tired..was even late for school this morning, like i care! Anyway, i can't seem to focus on the more important things like exams. God help me!

2005-10-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating my relationship with her, trying to make the right choice. She went for a job interview on Friday morning, 30 Sept 2005 and she received this call from the company that she got it that very same evening. I'm glad she's happy. She needed the job, been so stuck being at home all day. But...yeah, there's a but, she wouldn't be able to meet and chat with me as much because of work,long hours. I totally understand but i'm afraid and insecure and selfish at the same time. I didn't want to lose her to someone she probably would acquainte for all kinds of reasons because of work/because she gets to get out more. Don't bother with the branding cause i've already done so."TheMOSTSelfishFriendOftheYear" I know i'm really afraid to lose her and yet i can't commit to her, not yet. And before she had to go, i told her about my insecurities and once again, she gave me assurance and time. Lots'of time. And we are gotten exchange emails, hopefully daily. And the funny thing is, she wants to remit money to me..i was joking one day and she took it to heart..hmm, now what would i say about that? Anyway, I just wish i could one day, some day, tell her i love her from the core of my heart. I really do but i can't do it now, cause i wouldn't wanna make a stupid mistake twice, would i?

Ok, now i'm really feeling the stress. What with IAP and examinations. And stupid stupid project presentations. I mean, I love presentations, i just don't like the doing part of it cause unnecessary arugments stem from it all the time. And i hate that. Again, hatred is always what i feel first. I'm a bad person but i change. And then i'm forgiven again so as long as hatred strays my way. Today, i went with my mum for late lunch, she was talking about my brother who's all rebellious and my mum said whatever my brother is doing and feeling now is gotten drive him further away from the family. And to my surprise, she actually expressed her disappointment and hopelessness for him. I've always thought he's the one you know. Better grades, better features, being a extrovert and all...but...no. My mum got someone to read his fortune and future life and it's what that person said about my brother. That he will eventually leave the family and from his parents. I don't like what i'm hearing, of course. I still think he would change as Time pass for Time is a good teacher and giver. We will see what happens. I can't really say anything now except i could be a beyond huge and heartbreaking disappointment. Hello? Gay now? She expects a lot from me, i could hear that in her tone. And i know i'm gotten let her down. Bad.

Gotten get something i've never expected these couple of days, perhaps tomorrow afternoon...it's gotten be useful and hopefully i didn't make the wrong choice.

2005-09-30T14:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had SEX ED in school. It's actually part of a campaign project and the topic is Pratice Safe Sex. My kind of topic. They touched on HIV/AIDS, gave statistics on the number of heterosexuals and homosexuals who got AIDS. I listened as i always did and i got affected again. Especially about things homosexual. I hate myself for that. How i could get so pissed off and i don't know, angry about stuffs being said. I should not care about a thing the world has to say but i can't. I get influenced so easily that i'm weak now, no longer standing for myself and what i believed in. I wrote an email to a youth counsillor in United States and asked her advice on coming out to my family and i received her reply yesterday. She suggested i could talk to my parents, make them understand who i am and that i'm happy and i should give them a chance to voice their concerns too. But she also wants me to take my time, it's not like i have to get married or something.

It has been a busy week. Friendship Day's on Tuesday, 3 hours walk around Yishun on Wednesday and EVM report on Thursday till 5pm. I've been so tired but it's good now cause i could work on my story now.

2005-09-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night is like spending time in a microwave. Rabiah's air con and fan kinda broke down and i ended not sleeping and sweating. It's amazing how the girl could sleep. I stayed over because of this Friendship Day thing that i had to go for and it's in ITE Tampines which is really far from Yishun. I had to be there by 8 in the morning. I could be late so i stayed over. I didn't have any money cause all that went into Bear's red packet, it's the girl's 19th birthday! Anyway now i owe Ah Wei $15 for lunch. I'm all exhausted and red from all the games under the sun for 6 hours. I saw ex-motivators like Taufik-lookalike and Sufi. There was supposed to be this prize giving ceremony after the game but everyone was half dead and some teams even left after lunch which was around noon. Some of the games were fun like the human froose game. I've enjoyed it quite a bit even though i ended up with a bleeding cut thumb and lost the game...and of course, we skipped the prize ceremony and went home after the last game. Took 969 home and found my seat covered with baby roaches. I tried to read but i was too tired. Now I'm so tired i can't spell roaches in full.

My friendster's on active mode again...and i managed to show her my photo. She was thrilled even though it wasn't super clear..but at least she knew how i looked like. It's all fair game now.I guess we'll be chatting this Friday after her job interview. Tomorrow's a new day of school...we'll see what happens then.

2005-09-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Went to Funan IT Mall yesterday. Fizah wanted to check out mp3 players and we had lasagna. Spotted Seaseon 3 of BtVS. Last night was The O.C.'s season finale, Ryan got physical with his blood brother, Trey, Kristen's shipped off to rehab after Seth told her to go, Jimmy and Hallie came back for Cal's funeral, the Coopers are coming back strong. Marissa let Summer in on what actually happened that night...and then there's a gun. Again. Did i tell you how much i hated guns? I hope Season 3 comes soon. Season 3 is going to open with Trey in coma, DDA targeting Ryan and stuff and Kristen regaining her life back.

IAP. Worried. Nervous, hope i don't fail and disgrace myself...still waiting for the details. Class could be having a party of sorts soon...everyone seems enthusiatic enough when Mrs. Lee brought it up in class. Now that projects are over, i will have to work on my exam revision which i know nuts and it scares me...and i will have to believe that everything is going to be all right.

Trying to organize something for the old class...everyone's extremely busy with life. It's hard and could be expensive. I'm still getting it down and hopefully,we will have a wonderful reunion.

2005-09-23T01:27:00.000-07:00

May 7, 2003

The sun was coming over the horizon making the darkened sky give way from deep blue to crimson. Another perfect southern California day was dawning, and Willow hated the universe for it. This day should be cloudy and the sky should be drizzling rain like tears, but it wasn't. She glanced down at the yahrzeit candle sitting on the windowsill. She had lit it the night before, on the eve on this day. One year had passed since she lost the other half of her soul and the yahrzeit candle would continue burning throughout the entire day to commemorate the anniversary.

“Willow?” Buffy asked as she made her way across the living room and stopped behind her best friend. “What are you doing up so early?” She noticed that Willow was already dressed in her formal outfit, the one she had taken three weeks to pick out.

“Hey,” Willow turned and tried for a smile, but only managed to lift one corner of her lips. Willow's smile had not reached her eyes in 365 days.

“Willow?” Buffy asked gently.

“I have to go to the…” Willow froze. She still couldn't say the word cemetery, not when she was talking about Tara, not when she was talking about visiting Tara's grave. She could talk about vampires and crypts and cemeteries all day long, but not when it involved the love of her life. “I have to go again, before well, you know, with the thing…” Tears filled her eyes as she considered what the day held.

“The sun's not up yet,” Buffy cautioned. “There could be nasties lurking.”

“Hence me waiting here,” Willow said with a half-hearted smile. Everything Willow did was half-hearted since losing Tara. “For the sun to come up, and the nasties to go back to wherever it is they go.”

“You want me to go with you?” Buffy offered.

Willow shook her head. So much of her life with Tara had been private, something treasured, not shared with anyone. It didn't seem right to share this either.

“Okay,” Buffy agreed.

*****

Willow finished her prayer silently as she knelt over Tara's grave. One year. One year had passed and every day Willow had said the Kaddish for her lover. One year, 365 days she had recited the prayer for the dead. Tara was dead. The tears came in a torrent, emotion flooding Willow like a choking tidal wave. She ran her hand over the neatly trimmed grass and allowed her grief to flow freely. The tears had lessened after the first seven months, but lately, the last month, the tears had gotten worse each day. It was time to let Tara go.

“Okay, so I know this is the day,” Willow said when she composed herself enough to speak. She picked at the grass, much like she had once done to Tara's beautiful blonde hair. “This is the sending you on to heaven and we should be happy because your soul gets to move on day.” Hebrew tradition described that a soul stayed on earth for a year after the end of a life, and once that time passed, the soul would move on to heaven.

Willow felt tears filling her eyes again. “But, see, here's the deal.” She glanced at the covered headstone a few feet away. “I'm not ready for you to move on. I know, that's selfish, but you moving on means you leaving me, and that's just not something I'm ready for. This is me being selfish girl, but if that means I get to keep you, then just crown me queen of the selfish lesbians right now and be done with it.” She let out a slow sigh. “So, now I just have to explain to Mister Miller that he needs to take that … take that … thing right back where he got it.” She waved a hand at the covered granite headstone.

A gentle breeze kissed Willow's skin and she took a shuddering breath. This happened often when she was here at Tara's grave in the chilly morning. There wasn't supposed to be any warm breeze when the morning was crisp and the sun hadn't yet warmed the air. The breeze wasn't supposed to warm Willow's skin, warm her deep within, but it did. It always did when she was at her lowest, and Willow knew exactly what warmed the air, exactly who warmed the air so it could offer comfort loving arms had once given freely.

“Tara, I can't do this.” She wrapped her arms around her chest, wanting to keep the touch of the warmed air against her skin. “I know you need to move on and see your mom and do all the things that you need to do.” She sniffled. “Damn it, Tara. I know all that.” She stood and paced, her feet somehow never leaving the rectangular area that covered Tara. “I don't want you to move on. I don't want to move on,” she yelled.

Buffy had suggestion that it was time for Willow to start dating, and that fight had almost ended with Willow moving out.

“So, here's what I'm gonna do,” Willow said as she continued pacing. “I'll do the unveiling. I'll say the words, but I will not let you go. You are staying right here.” She pounded on her chest. “You are in my heart, and I am not letting you go,” she decreed. “End of discussion.” She paused and looked down at the grass under her feet. “No arguments. Sorry. I'm just not gonna do it. You can move on after I die and then I'll help you catch up on any of the ghosty chores you get behind on and then we can hang out here while I do my year and then we'll just be together.” She smiled and nodded, considering the topic closed.

The warm breeze brushed past Willow again, this time swirling around the redhead for a few seconds.

“Damn it, Tara, no,” Willow said as the tears returned. “Don't take that breezy tone with me. You, with the airy hugs, and the leaves moving over the grass and the warm goose bumps on my arms. No. Tara, no.”

Warmth filled Willow's senses and she realized she wasn't going to be able to stay angry while she was being overwhelmed with a sense of complete love and devotion.

“Well, okay then.” Willow sniffled and sat on the grass next to the covered headstone. “Just as long as we're clear on the whole me not letting you go thing.” She pulled a package of Kleenex out of her pocket and wiped her eyes. “This will get easier, right?” she asked as she rested her hand on the chilled grass. “Yeah, I didn't think so,” she whispered.

***** At ten minutes to eleven that morning, Xander pulled up in front of the cemetery. This was definitely somewhere he did not want to be, but he knew he couldn't be anywhere else.

“We're going to be late,” Dawn whined.

“We're not gonna be late,” Xander said as he tugged at his tie. “We have ten minutes.”

“We should have been here earlier,” Dawn insisted. “We should have helped her set up.”

“Is there food?” Buffy asked. “Is this a food deal? Should we have brought food like the reception for mom's funeral?”

“No food,” Anya said as she opened her door. “What with Willow fasting today, that would be rude.” She glared at the others, angry that the same people who always pointed out her social errors seemed so inept when dealing with Willow's grief. She stood and slammed the door closed, then leaned on top of the car.

“I can't believe Anya just called us rude,” Xander complained.

“I can't believe she was right,” Buffy said quietly. She nodded toward the sloping grass knoll where they were heading. “We should go,” she added quietly. She climbed out of the car and held the door as Dawn followed.

“She's not getting any better,” Dawn whispered.

“Sure she is,” Buffy argued.

“It's been a year, and she still looks … broken,” Dawn whispered. “How long is she gonna look broken?” She shivered, even though the sun had already begun warming the air.

“She'll be fine,” Buffy said. “After today, she'll let Tara go, and then it'll get better. I swear.”

“It's all good from here,” Xander added as he slammed his door closed. “What with the letting go, the moving on, and then Willow we be back to our happy, babbling, perky Willster.”

“You're an ass,” Anya said in a bored tone. “That kind of break doesn't heal.”

“Hey,” Xander whined. “I am not an ass. Remember me? Mister chauffeur guy? The guy who picked you up and drove you here?”

“Yes, I remember,” Anya raised one eyebrow. “The one who didn't drive me home the day he left me at the altar?”

Dawn smirked. At least some things never changed.

“Guys, can we focus?” Buffy asked. She shook her head and tried not to smile. Xander seemed to step into it at every turn.

“Yes, focus,” Anya said. “We need to go watch Willow pretend she hasn't been ripped in two.” She cleared her throat, trying to keep her voice from cracking. “And not literally,” she added quickly. “I'm talking about her heart, not her actually ripping in half like she did to that bastard.” She crinkled her brows. “Though, she actually skinned him more than split him in two…”

“Anya!” Buffy interrupted. “Focus?”

“What? I'm focused.” Anya folded both arms over her chest.

“Rules?” Buffy asked.

Anya sighed petulantly. “Fine,” she grumbled. “Rule one, no mentioning of the fact that Tara is actually dead. Two, no mentioning of War- Um, that rat bastard who made her that way, and three, no mentioning of any form of torture, maiming, killing, cursing, or disemboweling.” She glared at Buffy. “And just for the record, disemboweling should fall under both torture and maiming. It's redundant.”

“Whatever, just don't mention it,” Buffy grabbed Dawn and headed up the small hill toward the top of the cemetery.

*****

“Hey, guys,” Willow said as soon as she saw her friends approach. She moved away from the covered headstone and tried to smile.

“Hey, Will,” Buffy hugged her best friend, holding her close, then backed away. She took one of Willow's hands and cradled it between both of hers.

“So, is there gonna be a Rabbi?” Anya asked.

Buffy, Dawn, and Xander glared at the former demon.

“What?” Anya whined. “I didn't mention anything on the list.”

“No Rabbi,” Willow said with sad smile. “Tara wasn't Jewish.” She didn't mind Anya's questions. After Joyce's death, Willow had learned that Anya asked questions to come to grips with her own emotions.

Anya tilted her head to one side. “So, why have you been doing the prayer for the dea- uh, the prayer every day?” She almost turned to Buffy and pointed out how skillfully she had avoided using the word 'dead.'

“Because…” Willow gave Anya her full attention. “I'm Jewish. It helps. It gives me a sense of consistency.”

Anya nodded and looked down at the ground. There was no consistency since Tara's death. She had been the glue that held their group together, the one who reminded everyone else just what they were fighting for. Tara was good, and light, and honest, and humble. She was everything Anya respected about humans, yet saw so infrequently. Since Tara's death, everyone seemed to have lost their moral compass, and Anya knew if she could see the way they were all moving out of the light, it must be bad.

“Okay, so, let's get started.” Willow moved to the headstone and then bit her lip. She started to lean against it, then backed away. The cold stone was a solid, indisputable reminder of all she had lost. “So, I'm kinda' winging it here. Just bear with me.” She pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket.

“Were we supposed to bring speeches?” Anya whispered to Buffy. “Why wasn't I told, damn it?”

“Shh,” Buffy said harshly.

Willow took pity on Anya and her other friends. “I'm gonna read a few psalms, and then we can have a short moment of silence while I go over the Kaddish in my head. Then I'll uncover … uh, well, uncover it.” She nodded at the headstone.

“I thought there had to be a minivan for the Kaddish?” Buffy asked.

Willow gave Buffy a baffled look.

“I googled it,” Buffy whined. “It said we need a minivan for a Kaddish.”

Willow leaned slightly forward, looking even more confused.

“The minivan,” Buffy said in a flustered tone. “The minivan to carry the ten Jewish guys?”

Willow giggled and covered her mouth with one hand. Her eyes crinkled and she snorted. “Minyan,” Willow corrected. “God, Buffy, I love ya.” She shook her head. “And we would need a Minyan, a quorum of ten adult male Jews, if the Kaddish was gonna be read. That's why I'm doing it in my head.”

“Which is the last place we'd find ten men,” Anya pointed out.

Xander glared at Anya.

“Well, it is,” Anya protested.

“She's got a point.” Willow said. She cleared her throat. “Okay, so, back to the thing with the thing.” She unfolded the paper in her hand, her temporary mirth fading away.

The service was short, and somber. Willow didn't mention death, or how much she desperately missed Tara, or that she would never truly let her lover go. She went through the steps and uncovered the unpretentious headstone, but the simple act of removing the fabric was too much.

Willow bit her lip and closed her eyes and tears ran down both cheeks. She inhaled deeply, trying to stop her nose from running and trying to gather her strength. Neither effort was completely successful. She used her tissue to wipe her eyes and her nose and tried to lighten the mood. “Okay, so, I don't have a red ribbon to cut, so I guess we're done.” She reached into her pocket and took out a small stone and placed it on the headstone. “I love you, baby,” she whispered. Her hand shook as she touched the cold granite. She took a step back and studied the simple inscription.

Tara Maclay
1980 - 2002
Friend, confidant, and one woman's everything.

It wasn't true to Jewish tradition, written in English, but Willow had already established that her love for Tara didn't fit neatly into any one world.

Willow was silent as Buffy, Dawn, Xander, and Anya each went to the headstone and placed a stone on top of it. She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping the physical pain would anchor her long enough for the final bit of ritual. As soon as the last stone was in place, Willow turned and hurried away.

“Let her go,” Buffy said as she grabbed Dawn's arm. “We'll wait at home.” She knew Willow had walked over, and she also knew that her friend still needed some time alone.

“You know, if that bastard we aren't mentioning wasn't already that thing we aren't mentioning, I'd do that other thing we aren't mentioning to him.” Anya's eyes were locked on the headstone.

“I know who the bastard is, but she lost me with the rest of it,” Xander said. He watched Willow as she stumbled across the cemetery and finally sagged against a small tree.

“She means if that bastard wasn't already dead, she'd disembowel him,” Dawn translated.

Xander smiled fondly at his former girlfriend. For once he agreed with her.

Willow stood under the tree for almost an hour. She heard Xander's car start and then leave, and then she listened to the silence of the cemetery. She took the paper out of her pocket and reread the psalms, taking comfort in the familiar words, but her heart ached at the thought that Tara had moved on.

A breeze stirred the air around her, then warmed her skin. She felt it deep in her chest, filling her with love and peace. A smile crossed Willow's lips. It suddenly occurred to her that Tara's soul was free to move on, free to go wherever she wanted. Apparently, Tara was already where she wanted to be, at Willow's side and in her heart.

2005-09-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

Today,me, ah wei and Joy went swimming today. It was all thunder and rain and wet all morning and Mrs. Yeo let us off early so we just walked around at J8 and i ate Long John Silver which is gotten be the last time i'm ever eating at LJS cause i think they are manipulative and cheaters. Anyway, i ate with Salwa, saM and Bear while Joy and Li Wei chatted about stuffs like otherworldly encounters and how their fathers are so similar in the wrong way. And i sat down as i listened to them talk and i thought about my own dad. The rain's finally stopped and sun's up again so we made our way to Bishan Swiming Complex. We tanned till 5pm and now i'm burning and all red. Went to Swensen for dinner. Now i owed Ah Wei 15 bucks for crayfish pasta and then we were treated to durian mooncake after the meal. Ah Wei thought they were expired and we laughed. We realized as long as we spent $50 in a single receipt, we are entitled to having a free snowskin mooncake. Unfortunately, i was too full to finish.

IAP. I'm gotten be posted to some company about the Green Book, like i know anything about it. Joy wanted to do a makeover on me with the money i get from the attachment. Thought it's great!

2005-09-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, more pissed than usual. Deepa wants to talk about something 'important'. Guess what? She thinks i'm not interested in her anymore. For God's sake! How did things become so hard? I'm probably not programmed to understand her. Now she wants a break. I have to always explained my actions, like why i'm not the one to fix the meeting time to chat..God, even that became an issue. I thought things are supposed to work out but we got brought down so often by unimportant trivals that she always seem to care so much for makes me think this is really not working. She thinks it's a one-side thing, that i'm not working or trying my hardest to maintain this stupid and very frustrating, i must add, friendship. There're always some stupid excuses for her to mistrust me. What the hell is going on here? You want a break, you get one and leave the hell alone. I ain't talking to people who don't believe or have the time to doubt me every other day....I definitely brought this upon my sorry ass!

I really wanted to make a go at it but she's making it extremely hard. She don't understand what i said and she can't even type proper english, that really got on my nerves. I have never ever been so pissed about anyone. I guess we can never be together...

2005-09-16T04:14:00.000-07:00

Fuck! this is the 3rd time i'm updating this shit..it didn't load and i lost everythin'.

Met Hana and Maya after a bloody day of school yesterday. Super glad to find us together again like we used to be. Hana suggested a reunion of IO5. I seconded it. Hana and I chilled at Northpoint, talked about she is the heartbreakers/jerks magnet. She kept opening up to the wrong guy and ended up all resigned and battered. She wanted to break her current beau so hard it's gotten stick with him for the rest of his miserable little life. She told me how this guy is treating her like she's nothing and having the mindset that Hana's gotten come running back to him like a kitty cat if they were to break again. Well, that's not gotten happen twice.

School. Little incident happened. Surprised and where the hell did that come from. It was nasty and we got chased out of the class again. Dejú Vu, anyone?

Lunch. Talked about the most talk about person: Alvina. Rumors or lies or truth implied girl had fallen for the other camp. She's changing lanes and could be really seriously fooling around with some girl from an all-girls school. Not sure if she's the liar she is or if it's true. Not that i wanna know. I'm totally uninterested in how she leads her life, she's pretty screwed anyway. I'm pretty upset though, not knowing where it actually came from. A person can NEVER 'become' a homosexual all of a sudden. He/she has to discover herself, come out to the truth and what he/she really wanted to be. It's as normal as life is. Except life's pretty hard and complicated and very unpredictable. Sometimes, a person goes through a very rough patch in life, dashing hopes of love and mistrusting the opposite sex and changing sides. But if it's not what they really really want, they will return back to the 'normal' league eventually and things should be the same. But i'm different, i don't want a butch or a girl who pretends and dresses like a guy. Things are supposed to be simple. Guy+Girl, Girl+Girl and Guy+Guy..not Guy+Girl who pretends to be a GUY or the other way round...it's out of order now..and i can't explain myself or really know people...

2005-09-16T03:38:00.000-07:00

Today, rainy day, i met up with Hana and we went to school together, she's staying with her aunt who lives opposite my block and it's very cool cause this was the 1st time we ever went to school today. She lives in Boon Lay... Bumped into her after a long bloody day of school and Maya aka Mrs Tom Welling. They were racking their brains over Accounts. As I join them, a familiar feeling hit. We are together again, the old classmates from COS are together again. It has been so long and i really mean long. Everyone's doing their own stuffs, living a whole new different life outside school. That's why we are thinking a little reunion, like we did during the few last days together. Hanging out at East Coast and staying the night. I miss them already. We chilled at Northpoint and Hana's was telling how she is the jerks/bastards magnet. All she got is a bunch of broken hearts and she's really tired of it...she kept opening her heart to the wrong guy or guys. Right now, she's coming up with a list of how-can-i-break-his-heart-so-bad-he's-gotten-regret-giving-me-up. It's for her current boyfriend. Then she shared with me about this guy who had her heart and apparently hopes that Hana will go back to him..i told her to give it a try. Maybe he ain't as bad...Good, we don't have to kill anyone.

Little thing happened in school, little but surprisely loud and what-the-hell-did-that-come-from kinda of feeling when Mrs. Lee, the PR lecturer picked up names and wanted them to come in front because they were talking, distracting and obstructing her lesson. As if her lesson is ongoing or interesting. Anyway, one of them refused because she thought she didn't talk and therefore should not be picked up and be ordered to be in the front. And of course, Mrs. Lee was furious, talking about how students are king and how teachers are pieces of shit to be trampled up. It was either to leave her lecture or oblige. Torn? Totally. Tried a 'friendly' conversation and lecturer got so pissed, lesson's off and we got locked out from the class. It's like dejá vu, we got ousted out from the same class by another lecturer(JT) the other day. Angrier than this one. I don't know what with lecturers now. I admitted we are really distracting and rude at times but we wanted to study too. And they are not teaching. Doesn't sound right, does it? Students wanna learn but Lecturers want to bail. I don't know..we'll see what happen. We're leaving next April anyway..and Mrs. Yeo confessed how she's gotten miss us..Oh..how sweet. We'll miss her too.

Lunch. Talked about the most talk about person: Alvina. Rumors and probably truth implied that she might be falling for the other side and some girl from an all-girls school is currently showing her the ropes. I was upset, i don't know why...just felt that something is terribly wrong and i'm part of that wrong and wanted to i don't know, explain? Like there's any explanation to it all. If a girl goes with a butch, it's a guy for her at the end of the day. And a person DOES NOT just become homosexual..it's always something that's hurtful or crucial or devastating that would take someone to the other side. Like a realization of who you really are and want. But of course, some people wanted to have a taste of what's its like but eventually they are gotten be in the 'normal' league again and it wouldn't really make no difference. I don't know how to say this, i don't wanna be either defensive or offensive, you know. There's nothing there for me to argue or defend for. Is it always so hard? Always having to figure about what Life is? If Relationship and Life have an upside, i hell never encountered it.

2005-09-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

I chatted with her last afternoon, and unsurprisely, there are still issues to be talked about. She asked about why we had to be 'broken up' and whether if it was her fault. And i said no. It's never about her that i felt the way i feel and she knows, somehow. She could understand me when i tried to explain for the millionth times. It was all about Willow and Tara. Their relationship was something i thought i could have but i can't. They were special and my relationship is too and i won't jeopardize that again. So now we're patching, starting all over again in the right direction, giving each other time and space to know and realize what's there. And i'm in a right and comfortable place and i'm enjoying her company more. And then we talked about the couples in Buffy, the most loved and hated couples. It's been a long time since we talked Buffy and i like it. We're chatting this afternoon and i'm supposed to tell her about a typical day of my life. I'm willing to tell her everything. I really hope things will work out for us.

2005-09-11T01:50:00.000-07:00

"All things in this universe are possible." "Scratch that. Most things are possible." Something i can't get out of my head. I'm reading this story about a girl who's bent on resurrecting her dead girlfriend and how much pain she has to go through, including living a life where life doesn't exist anymore. And when you thought things can't get any worse, the spirit of her dead girlfriend appeared before her in a very see-through kinda of spector and in her bloodstained blouse(evidence of her fucking death) which she can't neither touch or see very clearly but she could definitely hear her. Hear her comments about how wrong and disappointed and in pain she would eventually end up. Of course, her advice fell on deaf ears and i read on very painfully, knowing the 'finale' of her actions very well in my heart: that she will never bring her back. "Is that why you came back? To torment me?" "No, i came back to be your conscience." Ouch! that must have pierced like a thousand knives. I certainly felt so. Anyway, it's a trilogy collection and i'm at book number 2. More pain and more disappointment.

Today, i went to the YRP fair, watched Taufik sang and watched how Yanti & Bear are getting along the hysterical line as they tried to take pictures of him. It was a hot day and i had to wake up 8 on a saturday morning. I've not been feeling well since the eye infection. I can't seem to be able to focus on anything too long. I get slight discomfort and i'm super-drained all the time. Heard stories and seen the talents of the inmates who desperately wanted a new life. It's pretty cool and we had lots of freebies to take home with, esp. Bear.

I heard about how the polys are not taking in ITE students...i'm worried, i must say, for that's probably the only place i could go unless my mum struck lottery which is highly unlikely to happen in my lifetime and it's precisely why i had to come up with a PLAN B. I'm considering the police academy but they gonna cut my hair short and i won't have that and it could be boring! so we'll see. I hope it's not true cause i still wanna do law & management in TP.

Downloaded several songs and video clips and have been watching since 1.30 in the morning. Forgot about VIDEO MUSIC AWARD on MTV tonight, damn! but i managed to watch clips like Kelly Clarkson and Mariah Carey on overdrive.mtv.com which is super cool! It's Kelly Clarkson live, you can't ask for more! I'm planning to watch Charmed, Lost and O.C. tomorrow..finished up everything and maybe if inspiration knocks, i could continue my story.

2005-08-31T08:23:00.000-07:00

My 2nd entry of the day..of the night, actually. Ï'm talking to my girlfriend while updating this bloggy thing. I'm liking this..and i like this because i could write stuffs about personal stuffs like thoughts and views of the world. And no one can stop me and yet it was for the world to see. Amazing,isn't it?

World's amazing too, you meet people, you learn to hate and protect yourself, you try to be forgiving and accepting and eventually learn to love and let go. I'm learning to be accepting. Death and losses. I think i'm doing fine.. And today, i even found old friends..on MSN.

The girl whom i mentioned earlier is readin' this too..and i'm gonna talk more about her..haha!
She is Miss Sleepy of the Year..tries to sleep in class whatever the opportunities presented themselves..Anyway, i should talk about myself..

When people knew i used to be an Express student, they started looking at me differently..said things like i have wasted a good opportunity to go to poly and stuff..i didn't bother to explain why i felt otherwise. Truth, i've learned and realized things i would never have if i were to go to poly immediately. I wasn't a good student before, and i blew the exams then i came to ITE.. but i think I'm happy here, I'm able to do things at my own pace and for the first time, i'm actually scoring. I'm getting good grades. And i'm not ashamed of myself anymore..

I want people to see me for who i am, even if it takes a lifetime..

2005-08-31T03:31:00.000-07:00

Teachers Day or Eve of TD...went to school...boring performance i must say..fave thing's probably the car..i know people have been working hard for this..but sorry people..it just didn't turned out.
anyway, Today's very cool! The internet's comin' in, Charmed's on tonight which is a super must-have...no school tomorrow equals ch5 till 3 in the morning!!! Today's the day of my first entry, people who knows me know i'm gotten write shit and i really mean tons of shit. I dig writing..all sorts, lyrics, stories even presentations scripts (weird huh?)..there's this cool story i'm working on and made someone fell asleep..she didn't even finished page 2! Not blaming her..she's like the most coolest person..ever and we DO NOT blame cool people! I'm worried about her though..about stress she couldn't deal alone. I wanted to help but i don't know how..i'm not very good at helping..not even myself but i''m still praying for things to be ok for her so she doesn't have to restort to smoking no more..

Been thinking about stuffs...stuffs like impulsiveness..things i did. Things i hope i'll never regret. I have a girlfriend now..i'm positive she's totally in love and thankful to Lord..but liking someone is different than loving someone..and i'm stuck in between. I don't know whether i actually love her...Stupid me!! I'm no good for the loving, i guess...Not sure if i'm good for anything..People, if you're reading this, don't expect for photos..of me, i mean..Cause i'm a photo-hater!! Let's not spoil everyone's mood with my face!!

I know why blog's so popular now...And i accidentately went for a job interview..i wanted lunch but got a job instead..$4/hr, very demanding..not sure if i made the wrong choice..talking about impulsiveness...